[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Do you feel lonely?

 

That no one cares or calls?

Try missing a few car payments!

[Karlston]

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

 

[Karlston]

 

[aum]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

 

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

 

Edited October 3, 2025 by aum

[aum]

My 5-year-old nephew, Felix, wanted to Caddie for my brother's golf game.

"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five," answered Felix.

"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

 

[aum]

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: This bull mated 50 times last year.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: This bull mated 150 times last year.

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: This bull mated 365 times last year.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could really learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

[aum]

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s okay with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

 

After they finish, the guy says, "Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

 

[aum]

[Karlston]

[aum]

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.

'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

 

Edited October 3, 2025 by aum

[aum]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

 

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

 

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

 

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[aum]

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.

At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25.

The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

 

[aum]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

 

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

 

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.40. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

 

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

 

[aum]

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was.

 

The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

 

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

 

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."

 

[aum]

A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.

 

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

 

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

 

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

 

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

- Congress!

 

[aum]

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

 

The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''