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He got the Wrong Signals...


kn_andre
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Flawed Thinking

A teacher asks her class,: "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

Little Johnny Answers : "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." :( :( :(

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, ..... but I like your thinking." :) :) :) :)

Then Little Johnny says, : "I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple

scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" :huh: :huh: :huh:

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, : "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." :unsure: :unsure: :unsure:

Little Johnny Replies : "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on........but I like your thinking." :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

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  • speedy57

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Counting the Real Loss

A street walker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

the doctor asked : "Any specific problems you should tell me about?"
:huh: :huh: :huh: :huh:

street walker : "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" :( :( :( :( :(

the doctor : "Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

street walker : After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.
:unsure: :unsure: :unsure: :s :s

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Mistaken Identity

A completely Drunk man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up

her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

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The Real Bitter Truth

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cab Driver if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab Driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. It was all from this Sweet Man i am Sleeping with now !
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I Would Definitetly Cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold and offer him Some Scotch !!!' :( :( :( :( :( :( ;) ;) ;)

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The Not so Dumb Kid

A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" :( :(

"I'm in love," the boy replied. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" :unsure: :unsure:

"With YOU!" he said. -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_-

:o :o :o :o :o "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber! :) :) :) :) :showoff: :showoff: :showoff: :showoff:

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Wrong Picture For Grandma

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style ..........it makes your nose look too short."

Love Grandma
.....

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Stress Reliever



Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'


Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'


Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' :s :s :s :s :s


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Operating Preferences

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are Heartless, Gutless, Spineless, and their Ass and Head are Interchangeable".

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Doggy Styled

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs Mating in someone's Front Lawn. The driver says: "That is great. Me and my wife do that every night."

The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes the old fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it."

The driver says: "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set."

The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks "How was it?"

The passenger answer: "It was great, but it took my Wife Ten drinks."

The driver looks at him funny and says "TEN DRINKS?"

The passenger says:Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn! :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

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An Old Foxy Gentleman

An Elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was Finally able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor for check up and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The Old man replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. And I have changed my will three times!' :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

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  • 1 month later...

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy : "Do these Turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied : "No Ma'am, they are All Dead."

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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a Man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her his naked Body Underneath.

Without missing a beat, the Flight Attendant said: "Sir, I need to see your Ticket not your little stub."

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A Man woke up in a Hospital after a serious Accident.

He shouted : "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied : Yes I know you can't feel your Legs - because I've cut off your arms !!"

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A Drunk was Arrested and brought in front of a Judge.

The Judge says : "You have been brought here for Frinking."

The Drunk says : waoh really ? Good then - Okay, let's get started. where is the Booze ......

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