[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

An elderly couple were sitting in their pew in church when the wife leaned over to her spouse and whispered into his ear.

 

"I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

 

To which her spouse replied loudly, "I think you should change your hearing aid batteries!"

[Karlston]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!

 

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

 

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

 

In his claim, the lawyer stated the 24 cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

 

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

 

(Stay with me.)

 

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

 

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART!

 

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

 

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest! (Not true)

Edited February 23, 2019 by Karlston

[Disco Bob]

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."

Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy because this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together."

 

 

 

 

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, but he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty-eight years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old to do it."

[Karlston]

PONDERISMS

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

 

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Disco Bob]

@Karlston some things there can get you thinking :)

[Karlston]

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

 

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

 

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

 

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

 

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

 

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

 

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

 

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

 

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

 

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

 

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and asked "What did you think of that?"

 

Puzzled, the F-1 6 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"

 

The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a pee, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

 

When you are young and foolish - speed and flashy may be a good thing.

 

When you get older and smarter - comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!!

[Karlston]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

 

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

 

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

 

St. Peter chains them together and says,'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.

 

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ...... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

 

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

[Disco Bob]

A shy man was feeling a little lucky and decided to ask the subdued provocative librarian about seduction as he tended to be oblique in his intentions.
"Do you have any books on women seducing men?"
The librarian answered without hesitation. "Why yes," she murmured. "Most likely found in the 'Fantasy section'."

 

 

"That damn husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband I'd already paid the rent up for six months!"

 

 

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"

[Karlston]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

 

She gets into the cab, and notices that the driver is VERY handsome and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

 

She asks him why he is staring. He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

 

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

 

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

 

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1. you have to be single and
2. you must be Catholic.'

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

 

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

 

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

 

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

 

The nun says, 'That's OK.

 

'My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[Karlston]

An old guy and his wife and went into a shop in the city. They were only there for about 5 minutes. When they came out there was a policeman writing out a ticket.

 

They went up to him and said 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break'.

 

He ignored them and carried on writing the ticket.

 

The guy called him a nazi turd. The cop glared at him and started to write another ticket for a bald tyre – so the guy's wife called him a dickhead.

 

He finished writing the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first, then started to write a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

 

The more they abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

But what the heck, they didn't care. They came in by bus.

[Karlston]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part.

• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station and an address book.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies .. not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist He won't expect it back.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[IBNHAGAR]

nice work guys.

[Disco Bob]

4 hours ago, Karlston said:

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part.

• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station and an address book.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies .. not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist He won't expect it back.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I will use some of these " Wise " in part statements :)

[Disco Bob]

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.

Her friend tells her "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!" 

 

 

 

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

[Skanda]

On 2/15/2019 at 11:25 PM, Karlston said:

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!

 

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

 

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

 

In his claim, the lawyer stated the 24 cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

 

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

 

(Stay with me.)

 

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

 

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART!

 

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

 

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

Share the link please.🙄

[Karlston]

7 hours ago, Skanda said:

Share the link please.🙄

 

Sorry, it was posted in a thread called " The TPR Good Joke Thread - Part 1" in a Whirlpool (Australia) sub-forum that is by-invitation only.

 

It looks like it's untrue, so I've edited the original post to reflect that.

[Karlston]

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

 

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

 

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

 

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

 

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[Disco Bob]

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

[vitorio]

This defitely is a Trooper, no offence of course.

[Karlston]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

 

'This is the 21st century, old man,' my son said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

 

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

 

---

 

Two nuns riding down a cobblestone path on bicycles.

 

One nun says, "I haven't come this way before."

 

The other replies, "Me neither, it must be the cobblestones!"

Edited February 24, 2019 by Karlston

[Disco Bob]

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

 

 

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

 

 

A school kid asks his teacher, "Is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?"
The teacher replied, "Yes."
The kid then asked, "What kept us before the law was passed?"

[Karlston]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

 

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."

 

And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

 

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.

 

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

 

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry! You'll kill yourself!"

 

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

 

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A vulture was already circling above Henry.

 

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

 

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "the vulture's getting closer."

[Disco Bob]

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

If you bow at all, bow low.

Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.

Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.

Character is much easier kept than recovered.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

A technical objection is the first refuge of a scoundrel.

 

 

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.


The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"