[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Disco Bob]

A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

 

 

 

A young man is buying some condoms. The cashier asks him, "Would you like a bag with those?"
"No," he replies, "she's not that ugly."

[Disco Bob]

"Get this," said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But... how?"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"

 

 

 

Doctor: Dont worry your health is fine. You'll live to be ninety.
Patient: But, doctor, I already ninety years old right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

[Karlston]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

 

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility...

 

Q: ‘Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

 

A: ‘No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

 

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

 

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[Disco Bob]

3 hours ago, Karlston said:

lawyers have been known to walk through that room

They are the other part of societies street legal muggers :)

[Disco Bob]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

 

 

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

[Karlston]

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed together having a cigarette after a night of hot sex.

The chicken leans over to the egg and says "Well I guess we've solved THAT question."

 

---

 

Some Aussie humour...

 

COFFEE, CROISSANTS AND WRIGLEY'S

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble.

"We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course."

 

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

[Disco Bob]

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

 

 

 

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

"After three months sir."

[child]

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

[Karlston]

One night four college kids stayed out late, partying and having a good time. They paid no mind to the test they had scheduled for the next day and didn’t study. In the morning, they hatched a plan to get out of taking their test. They covered themselves with grease and dirt and went to the Dean’s office. Once there, they said they had been to a wedding the previous night and on the way back they got a flat tire and had to push the car back to campus.

 

The Dean listened to their tale of woe and thought for a moment. He offered them a retest three days later. They thanked him and accepted his offer.

 

When the test day arrived, they went to the Dean. The Dean put them all in separate rooms for the test. They were fine with this since they had all studied hard. Then they saw the test. It had 2 questions.

 

1) Your Name __________ (1 Point)

 

2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right © Back Left (d) Back Right

Edited February 9, 2019 by Karlston

[Karlston]

Sunday bonus...

 

 

 

 

[Disco Bob]

2 hours ago, Karlston said:

1) Your Name __________ (1 Point)

 

2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right © Back Left (d) Back Right

Many on social media would not have the intellect to work this out lol

[Disco Bob]

This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

 

 

 

 

 

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"


"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

 

 

 

 

[Karlston]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

[Disco Bob]

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

 

 

 

The teacher asked: "What was the name of the person in Greek mythology who was half man and half animal?"
Billy raised his hand. "Yes?" the teacher acknowledged.

"Buffalo Bill," replied Billy.

[Karlston]

Two aliens landed in the desert near Birdsville. (Queensland, Australia)

 

They spotted the petrol station that was closed for the night.

They walked up to the old time petrol pump and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

 

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade again saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien, then he aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How in the name of hell did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's something I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

[J WACKO]

This is my first day in the forums , So to enjoy the moments Let me share

 

😂 Some Silly Jokes 🤣

 

 

 

 

😄😄😄

Mr Roger,s car broke down in a highway

and the garage man arrived to take a look at it.

“Oh yeah, shit in the carburettor,” said the mechanic.

“Really, how often will I have to do that?” he replied.

 

😄😄😄

An emergency call was made to the local police station.

“Come quickly,” gasped the voice,

“a burglar is trapped in the bedroom of an old spinster.”

“We’ll be right there,” said the desk sergeant.

“May I ask who’s talking?”

“It’s me, the burglar, help!”

 

😄😄😄

Two neighbours are chatting over the garden wall.

“When my husband comes home from work tonight, he’ll probably bring me a huge bunch of flowers.”

“Oh isn’t that nice, you are lucky.”

“No, not really. He’ll expect me to take all my clothes off and be on the floor with my legs in the air.”

“Oh dear, why’s that? Haven’t you got any vases?”

 

😄😄😄

A blind man stood at the edge of the pavement, waiting to cross the road, when his guide dog weed all down the side of his leg.

The man immediately took a biscuit from his pocket and gave it to the dog. An onlooker turned to him and said, “That’s very good of you, considering he just soaked your leg.”

“Not really,” replied the blind man.

“I’m just finding out where his mouth is so that I can kick him in the balls.”

 

😄😄😄

“It’s no good, Linda,” said her husband.

“I know we’ve been married for 35 years, but I’m going to move in with Jane next door.”

“But why, Alfred ! 

Haven’t I always been a good wife, kept you happy?”

“Yes…but Jane gives me oral sex.”

“But I give you oral sex as well!” exclaimed Linda.

“I know, but you don’t have Parkinson’s Disease.”

 

😄😄😄

Tarzan and Jane are going to do it for the first time, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn’t know how.

Jane says, “Look, it’s very easy,” and she explains what it is to make love.

Tarzan tells her, “Tarzan does it in tree trunk hole.”

Jane tells him, “You’ve got it all wrong, you stick it in this hole,” motioning to her crotch.

Tarzan and Jane get naked and Jane motions Tarzan to put it in her crotch.

Tarzan goes to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crotch.

Jane, twitching with pain, asks Tarzan,

“What was that for?”

Tarzan says, “Tarzan checks for Squirrels.”

😄😄😄

 

 

[J WACKO]

😂 Some More Silly Jokes 🤣

 

 

😁  

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

 

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

 

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

 

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!

 

 

😁

 

The young man finally made up his mind to tell his mother he was gay. He could no longer keep it a secret so one evening when she was in the kitchen making supper, he took the plunge and told her.

 

“Mum, I have something to tell you, I’m gay.”

Immediately, his mother replied, “Does being gay mean you have men’s dicks in your mouth?”

“Well …” stammered the young man.

“Yes, it does.” “In that case,” she said angrily, “don’t you ever criticise my cooking again.”

[jbleck]

welcome here

 

these have a dedicated topic: 

 

[Reefa]

@J WACKO

 

Thread merged...

[Karlston]

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

 

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.

 

Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

 

Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.

 

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

 

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

 

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits — yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

 

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[Disco Bob]

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

 

 

 

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels.

The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

[J WACKO]

10 hours ago, Reefa said:

@J WACKO

 

Thread merged...

 

11 hours ago, jbleck said:

welcome here

 

these have a dedicated topic: 

 

Thank You for adding me . I will oblige this fabulous spiffy thread.

 

[Karlston]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance.

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience'.

 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

 

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations.'

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

 

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

'Shit!' said the Hypnotist.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.

[Disco Bob]

Earl and Bubba, two boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

 

 

 

 

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and for the first time ever he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

"What terrible weather today, honey." he said to her.

"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"

[J WACKO]

 

☺️

Three female friends were walking in the country when they stumbled across a very old bottle, half hidden in the earth.

 

On taking the stopper out, a genie appeared and told them he had the power to grant them more intelligence.

 

The first woman, who was a ‘plain Jane’, asked for 50% more intelligence and she was turned into a world renowned surgeon.

 

The second woman asked for 25% more intelligence and she became a teacher.

 

The third woman who was a bit of a stunner and one for the men, replied “I don’t think I want any.

 

It’s good to be dumb, men will do anything for you.

 

In fact, I think I’d like to be even dumber.

 

” And on saying that, she turned into a man.”

😶