[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives, when he realised that the one thing he had never taught them, was how to speak English.

 

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

 

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

 

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

 

The Priest is pleased with the response.

 

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says "This is a rock.

 

"Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

 

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

 

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

 

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

 

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

 

The chief replied, "My bike."

 

---

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"Hunting flies" he responded.

 

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Disco Bob]

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

Brunette: "I Don't Know."

Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"


Court Trial
"But why", demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, "did you break into the same store three nights running?"

"Well, Judge, it's like this. I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice."
 

A Little Collection of Funny Sayings

 

• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• Make service your first priority, not success and success will follow.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves.
• If you don’t believe in something, you’ll fall for anything.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• It is better to wear out than to rust out.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
• Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

[Karlston]

There was a Priest who was complaining to his verger that his bike had been stolen.

 

The verger says "why don't you preach this weeks sermon on the ten commandments, and give 'thou shalt not steal' a good emphasis, perhaps the culprit will feel remorseful & return the bike."

 

So, come Sunday, the Priest gets started on the ten commandments, but as soon as he gets to 'though shalt not steal', he seems to speed up & skip over the remainder rather quickly.

Afterwards, the verger is asking him "what happened to the fire & brimstone on 'Thou shalt not steal'?"

The Priest says, "oh, it's ok, I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and remembered where I left my bike."

 

---

 

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Disco Bob]

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

 

 

 

 

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[Karlston]

Hi Bob,

 

This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much….I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

Regards,

Alan.

 

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead.He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.

 

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

Hi Bob,

 

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards,

Alan.

[Disco Bob]

7 hours ago, Karlston said:

Autocorrect changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.

 

Pesky " Autocorrect " lol

[Disco Bob]

How do you know your wife is getting old?

When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have sex" and she says "I can't do both."

 

 

 

 

A girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.

The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

[Karlston]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

 

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Hi Babe, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

MAN: "Yes."

 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes Dealers and saw the latest models. I saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$70,000."

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the bells and whistles. Leather seats etc ."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Margaret and found out that the house I wanted to buy last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[Disco Bob]

Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat what are you so happy about?"

"Well Mike i gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike...boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat!' So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Mike, she couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "Well what are you so happy about today Pat?"


"Well Mike I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blond came up to me...boobs out to here, Mike, boobs out to here! She said, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took here way out Mike. Way out much further that the last one. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Mike, she couldn't swim!"

A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer. Mike says, "Pat what are you so sad about?"

"Well Mike I gotta tell ya...yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me...boobs way out to here Mike, boobs way out to here. She said, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!

I turned off the key, looked at her boobs and said, 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And... I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

[knowledge-Spammer]

 

 

 

 

test

 

Edited February 1, 2019 by knowledge

[Karlston]

Bagpipe funeral

 

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[debebee]

^ laying pipe

[Karlston]

If Facebook existed 150 years ago:

 

Abe Lincoln (Status): Going to the theater tonight with the missus...got private box seats!
 

John Wilkes Booth likes this.

 

---

 

The RMS clean-up crew found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Lidcombe recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

 

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

 

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.

 

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

 

The RMS then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

 

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

 

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".

[Disco Bob]

3 hours ago, Karlston said:

If Facebook existed 150 years ago:

 

Abe Lincoln (Status): Going to the theater tonight with the missus...got private box seats!
 

John Wilkes Booth likes this.

That would be just about right :)

[Disco Bob]

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: "Last night I had three orgasms in a row!"

Blonde: "That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred."

Brunette: "My god! I had no idea he was that good."

Blonde: (looking shocked) "Oh, you mean with one guy?"

 

 

 

There where two men in a building site.

One of them said, "Can you help me find my ear?"

The other man said, "Is this it?"

The other man said, "No, mine has got a pencil behind it."

[Karlston]

Three engineers and three accountants take a train to a conference.

 

Each of the accountants buys a ticket for themselves but the engineers only buy one between the three of them.

 

One of the accountants asks the engineers how they expect to travel with just one ticket.

 

The engineers tell the accountants to watch and learn.

 

The group boards the train and it pulls out of the station.

 

The accountants take their seats but the engineers all cram into the lavatory together.

 

When the conductor comes around the accountants give him their tickets.

 

He knocks on the door of the lavatory and says, "Ticket, please."

 

The engineers crack the door and slide the one ticket out to the conductor.

The accountants are thoroughly impressed and decide to try this technique on the return journey.

 

When the time comes, they buy their single ticket, however the engineers don't buy any tickets at all.

 

The accountants are again perplexed but the engineers again assure them that they have a technique to travel, this time with no ticket.

The train arrives, the group boards and it leaves the station.

 

The engineers again all cram into a lavatory, while the accountants cram into a lavatory of their own.

 

Then one of the engineers exits their lavatory, walks over to the accountants' lavatory, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Disco Bob]

Have you heard of the garlic diet?

You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

 

 

 

Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside.

Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"

"Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the Neighbors know I'm not beating you."

[Karlston]

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

 

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

 

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

 

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

 

The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

 

---

 

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

 

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

 

We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

 

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.

 

Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

 

Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

[Disco Bob]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

[Karlston]

Grandma and Grandpa are visiting their kids and grandkids overnight. When Grandpa notes a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asks about using one of the pills.

 

"I don't think you should take one, Dad," the son says carefully. "They're very strong and very expensive."

 

"How much do they cost?" asks Grandpa.

 

"Ten bucks a pill," answers the son.

 

"I don't care," says Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

 

Later the next morning, the son finds $110 under the pillow.

 

He calls Grandpa and say, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110!"

 

"I know," says Grandpa. "The hundred bucks is from Grandma . . !"

 

---

 

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[Disco Bob]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."

So he continued: "Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

[Disco Bob]

I think my wife is infected by ransomware she never stops talking, and she’s always asking for money.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Karlston]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff who asks for license and registration.

The lawyer thinks he's smarter, being a big shot lawyer from New York, and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia so he asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Rainmaker]

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly 20 on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.... Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belin da told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift f or me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

\\ R

[DiamondMon]