[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

The Chief Financial Officer of the Holding Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup of a new acquisition, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

 

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

 

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

 

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

---

 

A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and BOOM your house is gone.

[Disco Bob]

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.”

 

“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”

 

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

 

“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”

 

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.”

 

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

 

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.”

 

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”

 

“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.”

 

““I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.”

 

“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”

 

 

“Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.”

Edited January 18, 2019 by win10

[Disco Bob]

Jokes with a punchline
 

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

 

 

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
 

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
 

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
 

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
 

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

 

Coffee or Tea

 

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?

Waiter: What does it taste like?

Customer: It tastes like gasoline!

Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

 

Putin received a coded message, reportedly from Ukrainian Parliament.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Putin was stumped and asked his Prime minister what the message could mean. The minister was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top russian programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the Secret Police.

The Director of the Police suggested Putin should turn the message upside down...

[Karlston]

If you are a senior you will understand this one;

If you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better,

and if you are not a senior yet........

God willing, someday you will be......

 

Senior's Breakfast The 2.99 Special

 

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was Two eggs, bacon, hash browns And toast for $2.99..

 

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

 

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,'  the waitress warned her.

 

'You mean I'd have to pay for Not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

 

'YES!' stated the waitress..

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

 

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

 

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

 

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

 

---

 

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

Tips:

 

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down!

4. Avoid a quick backswing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet, please ... while others are preparing.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

 

Well done. Now, flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.

[Karlston]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

It seemed a little strange.

 

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

 

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[vitorio]

1 hour ago, Karlston said:

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 Next time is you dropped he spoon do not ask for soup! 

[Disco Bob]

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

 

“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.”

 

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

 

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.”

 

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.”

 

“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.”

 

“Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.”

 

 

Edited January 20, 2019 by win10

[Disco Bob]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

[Karlston]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

 

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

 

When she is about to hand him another batch again he say to her...

 

" I've had enough thanks, why don't you have some yourself?".

 

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

 

The driver asked, "Why do you buy them then?"

 

And the old lady replied, "Oh, we just love the chocolate around them."

[Disco Bob]

A customer walks into a computer store and approaches a sales clerk...

"I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics," says the customer. "You know, something really challenging."

The clerk looks at the man and says, "Have you tried Windows 10?"

[Disco Bob]

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[Karlston]

Old farmer had a bunch of hens & one old rooster. He thought the old fellow was getting a bit past it, so bought a new young rooster thinking it wouldn't hurt to get some new blood in the gene pool.

 

The new young rooster is checking out the hens when he's approached by the old rooster. "Hey young fellow, this 'ere farmyard ain't big enough for two roosters. What do you say we have a race to see who stays?"

 

"ok old timer, whatever you want"

"Do you think you could beat me with a couple of laps around the barn?"

"Easily"

"Too easy? I'm an old crock, do you think you could beat me with one side head start?"

"Still easy"

Ok then. They get set at one corner each, the hens are there cackling away, and they're off. The old rooster sets a fair pace, crowing loudly. He's followed easily by the young rooster, who gains on him easily, when suddenly Bang! There's the farmer with his shotgun, young rooster splattered all over the side of the barn.

"Dang it, that's the third gay rooster in a row!"

[Disco Bob]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a pee yesterday, I orgasmed three times!"

[vitorio]

9 hours ago, Karlston said:

The old rooster sets a fair pace, crowing loudly. He's followed easily by the young rooster, who gains on him easily, when suddenly Bang! There's the farmer with his shotgun, young rooster splattered all over the side of the barn.

Dang it, that's the third gay rooster in a row!"

 

“The devil knows more by been old than by been the devil”

Edited January 23, 2019 by vitorio

[Disco Bob]

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The husband replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

[Karlston]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.

 

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

 

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

 

"I just saw one of your garters!"

 

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

 

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

 

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

 

"I just saw both of your garters!"

 

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

 

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.

 

So she bends over to pick it up.

 

This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

 

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

 

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[Karlston]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

The ball hit one of the men.

 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

 

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

 

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

 

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Karlston]

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

 

There are two statues in a park.

One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky, and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

 

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do most."

 

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they run behind the shrubbery.

The Angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

 

The Angel tells them "Um,, you have fifteen minutes left, Would you care to do it again?"

 

He asks her "Shall we?"

 

She eagerly replies "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions."
 

"This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head."

 

-----

 

Remember when everyone had diaries and got pissed off when someone read them?

 

Now they put everything on Facebook and get pissed off when no one does.

Edited January 25, 2019 by Karlston

[Disco Bob]

I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'.

It said my password wasn't long enough.

 

Edited January 25, 2019 by win10

[Disco Bob]

A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.

Dr: I've got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Patient: I guess the bad news.

Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can do. I'm sorry.

Patient: (starts crying)

Dr: Now, now... I know you're upset... but remember, I also said there was good news.

Patient: Yes, I need some good news... what is it?


Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.

Patient: (cheering up) Yes?

Dr: You know, the one with the big breasts?

Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes...

Dr: You know the one that's always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?

Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes - what about her?

Dr: I finally had sex with her last night.

[Karlston]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

 

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

 

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Disco Bob]

7 hours ago, Karlston said:

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

Thats how to deal with " Street " legal muggers :)  

[Disco Bob]

Traffic police stops a car.

Policeman: Have you drunk vodka today?

Driver: No.

Policeman: Breathe into the tube... Well, no alcohol is detected... Maybe the tube is broken… (breathes into the tube himself) No, it's working!

 

 

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

[Karlston]

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

 

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.

 

However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.

 

But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

 

---

 

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,

 

"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

 

A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

[Disco Bob]

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

 

 

Little Johnny asks:

- Daddy, how was I born?

- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!