[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying blue paint. Reports say the crew are now all marooned.

 

---

 

What's the difference between a consultant and a supermarket trolley?

 

A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. But you can fit more food and wine into a consultant.

 

---

 

One day in the market one of the fishmongers was cleaning a particularly large fish. As he cut it open he found a very old bottle inside. Naturally he took it out and washed the muck off it. He realised it had a stopper, which he removed.

 

Yes, you got it. Immediately there was loud roar and an enormous genie popped out of the bottle, boasted how powerful he was and promised the fishmonger one wish of anything in the world if he set the genie free. Absolutely anything. No problems.

 

The fishmonger thought about it and then decided. As he liked to go fly fishing in New Zealand but didn't want to fly there he said he wanted a freeway built across so he could drive. The genie said he could do it but that was pretty difficult and would involve a lot of concrete, steel and would take a while. Would the fishmonger please consider a simpler request?

 

The fishmonger thought about this opportunity confronting him.

 

Now, he had just had a heavy argument with his girlfriend the night before and he was still puzzled about what on earth had upset her so much. So he said his next wish was to understand how women thought.

 

The genie then replied: "You want two lanes or four on your freeway?"

[Karlston]

We just got a skylight installed. The wife likes it, but the neighbours upstairs are furious.

 

---

 

Paddy came to the pub and proudly announced his sister had just given birth to twins, a boy and a girl.

 

'So what are dere names, t'en?' asked his mate.

 

'Th' girl is called Denise,' said Paddy, 'an' the boy is called Da nephew!'

[Karlston]

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

 

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

 

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

 

' Same for me,' says the emu.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

 

Still curious the waitress asks, '

 

But....What's with the emu?'

 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Karlston]

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

 

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

 

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.”

 

All the passengers hear it.

 

As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”

[Karlston]

Back on January 9th, a group of Perkin, Illinois, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby ... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked .. "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe ... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .. and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[lurch234]

Two fine and rather drunk black dudes were crossing the Brooklyn bridge at 3 am.  They both decide to take a piss off the ledge of the bridge.

"Water's pretty cold tonight" says the first black dude.

"Yeah. And the bottom's awfully muddy." answers the other...

[Karlston]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

 

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

 

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

 

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

 

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

 

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

 

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

[Karlston]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

 

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

 

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

 

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.

 

Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

 

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

 

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."

 

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

 

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

 

She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

 

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.

 

"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

 

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well.

 

Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

 

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

 

---

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

 

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

 

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan."

 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

 

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

 

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Edited January 10, 2019 by Karlston

[Karlston]

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

 

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.

 

This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.

 

Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."

[Karlston]

A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

 

He had serious selfie steam issues.

 

---

 

As the crusty old pirate captain is breaking in a brand new sailing navigator.

The captain reaches down and pulls out his sharpened cutlass and rests it on the map table.

 

He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for matey?"

"No, sir," replies the young newbie.

"Aye use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, with a wink.

 

The navigator then opens his coat, pulls out a pistol, and sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT fer?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[Disco Bob]

Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking elbow won't get better!" Thank you for shopping at Tesco."

[Karlston]

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[Disco Bob]

1 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

 

2 I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 

3 You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

 

4 I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

 

5 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '

 

6 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '

 

7 I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

 

8 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

 

9 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'

[Karlston]

An elderly, but hardy, cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

 

She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.

 

She left behind 11 children, 30 grandchildren, 41 great-grandchildren, 5 great-great-grandchildren.....and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Karlston]

I got beaten up in a lift today.

 

A very well endowed woman got into the lift I was in. It was hard not to stare.

 

She said to me "please press one for me".

 

I don't remember much after that.

[BioHazard]

43 minutes ago, Karlston said:

I got beaten up in a lift today.

 

A very well endowed woman got into the lift I was in. It was hard not to stare.

 

She said to me "please press one for me".

 

I don't remember much after that.

Obviously you press the wrong 1  🤪

[Karlston]

1 hour ago, BioHazard said:

Obviously you press the wrong 1  🤪

 

 

There's a few variations of this joke...

 

The woman is a reporter so she wears a tag on one side with "Press" written on it. So the fellow does...

 

Or... She has her name on the tag and the fellow asks "What do you call the other one?"

[Karlston]

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

 

He sits at the counter and notices an old Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

 

After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.

 

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

 

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.

 

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

 

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

 

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

 

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

 

The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[BioHazard]

L@Karlston this joke remind me of the story in Vancouver, Canada

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/rat-in-soup-crab-park-chowdery-1.4960928

last update: now the restaurant is going out of business 

Edited January 17, 2019 by BioHazard

[Disco Bob]

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

Edited January 17, 2019 by win10

[Disco Bob]

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Auckland.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

 

Edited January 17, 2019 by win10

[Disco Bob]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a signaround her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me youcan have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and hedoes his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happenswith him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that hehas lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the companyto order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscularguy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neckthat reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

 

Edited January 17, 2019 by win10

[Disco Bob]

A blonde was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: "YES".

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Edited January 17, 2019 by win10

[Karlston]

34 minutes ago, BioHazard said:

this joke remind me of the story in Vancouver, Canada

 

Perhaps they had ordered  Ratatouille ?

[Karlston]

Arthur is 85 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

 

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

 

His wife sympathises and has a suggestion. "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good,"sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 92. He can't help."

"He may be 92," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

 

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees off, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."