[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Rafdor]

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it because the thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

[Rafdor]

Knock Knock
 
Who's there?
 
The love of your life!
 
Liar, you know chocolate can't speak.

[Karlston]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

 

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

 

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

 

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

 

"Don't f*** about with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

Edited December 19, 2018 by Karlston

[nir]

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. 

"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"

[nir]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.

 

While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

 

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

 

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

 

And a great voice was heard from above... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[Rafdor]

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

 

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

 

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
 

[Karlston]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

 

She still isn’t talking to me.

[Karlston]

A mate of mine has two private box tickets in the members' stand for for the 2019 AFL Grand Final. It includes business class airfares, all meals and booze, 5 star accommodation and private limo to and from the game.

 

But to his horror, he now realises that the match is on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.

If you are interested and want to go instead if him, it's at St Peter's Church in Osbourne Park, Perth.

Her name is Louise...

[Tin]

Here I come and reading all theese my headache is gone 🤡

[Karlston]

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

 

It was the pot calling the cattle back...

 

---

 

I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when somebody threw some omega 3 pills at me.

 

Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

 

Edited December 21, 2018 by Karlston

[Karlston]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

 

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

 

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

 

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”

[Karlston]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

A walk.

 

---

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me"

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!! But...enough about me, how's your day going?!"

[Karlston]

Management Training

 

An Indian warrior walks into Starbucks with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

 

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

 

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

 

---

 

A cop is walking along a busy street one fine day when he hears a massive BANG. Turns around and not fifty metres from where he's standing, a BMW has hit a barrier at a pretty high speed.

 

The cop runs over to the steaming wreck when the driver's door opens and a rather snappily dressed lawyer falls out onto the road. He stands up, turns to his car and starts sobbing pitifully, "My BMW...my BMW....my BMW...."

 

The cop looks at the guy and says, "mate, I think you've got bigger issues than just your car!". Points to the lawyer's side. The lawyer looks down and notices that his left arm has been completely ripped off.

 

"My Rolex....my Rolex...."

[lurch234]

5 hours ago, Karlston said:

"My Rolex....my Rolex...."

 

 

@Karlston  We have an Indian warrior joke in french too. It loosely translates like this: The indian warrior drinks beer, shoots his glasses and runs after the cat he brought in.

When asked what he was doing, he answers that he was acting like a white man. Getting drunk, break shit and chase pussy...

[Karlston]

Light travels faster than sound.

 

That's why some people seem bright — until you hear them speak.

 

---

 

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.

[Karlston]

The difference between knowledge and wisdom?

 

KNOWLEDGE is understanding that a tomato is a fruit.

 

WISDOM is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

---

 

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off"

 

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

 

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

 

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

[Karlston]

An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says 'I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!'

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal'

The trucker replies 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . I'm homesick'...

 

---

 

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

 

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Edited December 27, 2018 by Karlston

[Karlston]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter",

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

 

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

 

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

 

---

 

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”

 

A time traveller walks into a bar.

[Karlston]

Chinese takeaway – $27.50

Petrol to get there – $2.25

Getting home then realising they didn't give you one of the containers – riceless

 

---

 

A guy stacking shelves at my local supermarket was complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up.

 

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

[sebangzat]

On 12/19/2018 at 11:55 AM, Rafdor said:

The legal age for voting is 18 years and the legal age for marriage is 21 years.
Which means you need more experience to handle a girl than a country.
 

 

Well in indonesia the legal age for marriage is 19 for man and 16 for woman 😛 ..

[Karlston]

Dangers of 10 year anniversary lunches...

 

A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooter's because the waitresses were young, good looking, and wore those great uniforms that left little to the imagination.

 

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooter's because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

 

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooter's because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

 

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooter's because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

 

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooter's because they had never been there before.

 

---

 

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “I’ll have five beers please!"

[Karlston]

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.

 

---

 

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

 

---

 

How many politically correct people does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None.
 
"Why should we impose our values on the light bulb ? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."

 

---

 

One.

 

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

[Karlston]

Paraprosdokian Sentences...

 

· If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

 

· I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

 

· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

 

· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

· I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

 

· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

· Take my advice — I'm not using it.

 

· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

 

· Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home while wishing they were.

 

· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

 

· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

 

· He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

 

· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

 

· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

 

· If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

 

· Money is the root of all wealth.

 

and last but not least...

 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Edited January 1, 2019 by Karlston

[Karlston]

Never buy flowers from a monk.

 

Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

 

---

 

An Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

[Karlston]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.

 

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

 

'Who are you?' he asked him.

 

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

 

'I'm investigating a complaint about a moth infestation,' the man replied.

 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

 

---

 

A duck enters a pub and orders a beer.

 

The bartender asks "Will you be paying by cash, cheque, EFTPOS, or credit card?"

 

"Nah" answers the duck, "just put it on my bill."