[JOTD] Joke of the day

[nir]

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue.silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

 

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.

 

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

 

He says: "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

 

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

[nir]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

 

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

 

One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

 

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

 

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[Karlston]

At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?”

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great!" he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch."

[nir]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.

 

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”

“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.

Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”

Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”

‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

[Karlston]

Why did John Wayne buy a dachshund?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

[nir]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[Karlston]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 

Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one".

 

---

 

Paddy and Mick are walking past a sign which said "Treefellers wanted "

 

Mick said oh that's a shame if Shaun had been with us we could have applied for that .

 

---

 

Soon after Paddy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

 

When Paddy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'

 

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'

'No, 'replied Paddy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

 

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when Paddy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

 

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

[nir]

One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

[Karlston]

Puns For Educated Minds

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from a geometry class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."

15. The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Edited December 14, 2018 by Karlston

[nir]

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle.

 

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

 

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

 

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

[nir]

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

 

"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

[Karlston]

I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights.

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

---

 

A young woman goes to the doctor to get something to cure her boyfriend's terrible dandruff.

 

The doctor suggests she gives him Head and Shoulders.

 

A week later she returns looking very confused.

 

She recounts that he suggested that she should give her boyfriend Head and Shoulders, and then says "There's one thing I don't understand, how do you give shoulders?".

[nir]

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn't reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: "It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

[Karlston]

What is an innuendo?

 

An Italian suppository.

[DR_ADHAM]

What's an Enterprise App developer's favourite coffee made from?

Answer : Java Beans

 

Why do Java developers wear glasses?

Because they do not C#

 

#OldButGold #DevHumor

[Karlston]

Miscellaneous Laws:

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

3 Law of Probability –
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

5. Variation Law -
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

6 Law of the Bath –
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

 

7. Law of Close Encounters –
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

8. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 

9. Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas –
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

11.The Coffee Law –
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the floor covering.

14. Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

15. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy –
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

 

18. Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better, but don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

19. Law of Internal Expectation-
You didn't notice 16 and 17 were missing.

[nir]

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading:
"Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

[DR_ADHAM]

"What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months."

[Rafdor]

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

[Rafdor]

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

[Rafdor]

What is love?
Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 sense
And makes the person nonsense.

[Karlston]

Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award?

I hear it's a catastrophe.

[Rafdor]

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
 

 

Edited December 18, 2018 by Rafdor

[Rafdor]

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

[Rafdor]

The legal age for voting is 18 years and the legal age for marriage is 21 years.
Which means you need more experience to handle a girl than a country.