[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Two antennas meet, fall in love, and get married.

The ceremony went OK, but the reception afterwards was brilliant.

 

(I like corny puns. Can you tell? )

Edited December 2, 2018 by Karlston

[Karlston]

A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude.

 

Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff.

 

...but then he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

[lurch234]

Did you hear about the idiot who started putting tomato juice in his cars gas tank?

 

He was told it had a V8...

[Karlston]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.

 

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,

 

"I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

 

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

 

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

 

Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

 

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

 

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

 

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

 

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

 

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

 

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

 

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...
 

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"

[Karlston]

Then there was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake nights wondering if there was a Dog or not.

[nir]

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

[Karlston]

What do Mexican carpet layers put under the carpet?

Underlay, underlay.

[nir]

A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.

After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.

Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.

The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?” Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.

The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.

Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.

He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.

“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.

Edited December 6, 2018 by nir

[nir]

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

 

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

[nir]

"Who likes music?" asks a commander.

Two soldiers step forward.

"OK you two. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor."

[nir]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, thewife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

 

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

[Karlston]

What was the name of the Mexican who had his car stolen?

Carlos

 

---

 

Bruce Lee was wandering through Hong Kong when all of a sudden a rottten tomato struck him on the back of the head.

 

Like lightning he turned and angrily hissed "What Kung Fu that?"

 

Edited December 8, 2018 by Karlston

[IronY-Man]

An American businessman was going on a buisness trip to Japan.

He was going to spend a week there so he figured what the hell i'll get a hooker.

So he walks around and he takes her back to his hotel room.

So hes sitting there giving it to her when she starts yelling nazaki hi! nazaki hi!

So he figures I must be giving it to her good. So he keeps going. He got done paid her then she went off.

The next day his japanese boss called him and asked if he wanted to go golfing, he said sure.

So they were golfing for awhile when his boss got a hole in one.

So the worker was thinking of something to say in japanese.

So he had thought of the hooker, he started yelling nazaki hi, nazaki hi.

The japanese boss looks at him a says what do you mean wrong hole?

[nir]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."  Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

 

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the rabbi.

[nir]

One night a man was walking homewards when a thief jumped on him all of a sudden. Man and the thief were caught in a terrific tussle.

 

They rolled about on the ground, and the man put up a tremendous fight, until at last the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

 

The thief then went through the man’s pockets and searched him all over. There was only a 25-cents coin he could lay his hands on.

 

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard just for a 25-cents.

 

"Was that all you wanted?" said the man, "I thought you were after the five-hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

[nir]

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

A: They all get the house.

[Karlston]

The things realtors have to put up with.

 

---

STRANGE TENANT REQUESTS TO PROPERTY MANAGERS

 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just plain filthy.

12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get The ABC.

[Karlston]

What do you do if a bird cr*ps on your car windscreen?

Don't take her out again.

[Karlston]

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

 

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Karlston]

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

 

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

 

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

 

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

 

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

 

---

 

 

Edited December 10, 2018 by Karlston

[Karlston]

It snowed overnight.

 

Here's how my morning unfolded:

 

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

 

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

 

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

 

8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

 

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

 

8:22 – The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

 

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

 

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

 

8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

 

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

 

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

 

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

 

8:45 – a TV news crew showed up. I was asked how you can tell the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I jokingly replied "Snowballs" and as a result got labelled 'sexist'.

 

9:00 – I was on the News as an offensive racist homophobic suspected terrorist, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

 

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

 

9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

 

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

[nir]

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him. 

"I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."

The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"

[nir]

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.

 

On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

 

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?" 

[Karlston]

Two ex management consultants had just finished fitting out their new shop and were sitting down for a rest before putting the stock on the shelves. One said to the other "I bet you within five minutes some old codger will ask what we're selling."

 

Sure enough, two minutes later a little old lady pressed her nose against the window, knocked on the glass and said "Hello dears. What are you selling?"

 

"*rseholes" said one of the former consultants.

 

"Oooh" said the little old lady "You must be doing well. Only two left."

[nir]

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.

Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.