ducky88 Posted November 6 Share Posted November 6 I went for a job on the building site. The gaffer said “Can you make tea”? I said “Yes” He said “Can you drive a forklift”? I said “How big's the fecking tea pot”! Karlston, lurch234 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 7 Share Posted November 7 ducky88, funkyy and danielson 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 8 Share Posted November 8 Went golfing the other day with a friend who had a few drinks before we started. On his first swing he hit someone on the head. Moral of the story: if you drink, don't drive! Patient at doctors office with a huge bump on the head. When the doctor asked what happened the patient replied with a big smile that he got hit by a golf ball. "Why are you smiling then?" the doctor asks. "That's because I heard four and only got hit by one!" replies the patient. funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 8 Share Posted November 8 funkyy, ducky88 and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 8 Share Posted November 8 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 9 Share Posted November 9 funkyy, sandman117, lurch234 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 10 Share Posted November 10 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock says..."What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent!" ducky88, Tzcon, lurch234 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitorio Posted November 10 Share Posted November 10 Elementary, my dear Watson Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read... "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune." "Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent." "Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick. They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each, oy'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will." The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?" "Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners." Tzcon, Karlston and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 My wife put on a mud pack the other day. It really improved her appearance. Until the mud fell off... Two kids arrive late at elementary school class. "Why are you late?" demands the teacher. "We threw pepples in the river, Maam" they replied. "Well, it's detention for you two!" says the teacher. 1/2 hour later another kid walks in soaking wet. "Heavens!" exclaims the teacher. "Who are you!?" "Joseph Pepples, Maam" Btw, Pepples is a real family name https://www.ancestry.com/search/categories/usfedcen/?name=_pepple funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 lurch234, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 funkyy, ducky88 and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 13 Share Posted November 13 (You may want to reduce the volume before playing) ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 Three golf clubs went into a bar. The barman asked them what they wanted to drink. The putter ordered a beer, the wedge ordered a tequila. The barman asked the third what he wanted. "Nothing for me thanks. I'm the driver." funkyy, lurch234 and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone. funkyy, ducky88 and phen0men4 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 16 Share Posted November 16 I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Spoiler Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. Archimede, funkyy, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archimede Posted November 16 Share Posted November 16 35 minutes ago, Karlston said: Hide contents Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. Been there, done that Karlston and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 16 Share Posted November 16 5 hours ago, Karlston said: I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results That's actually a true story. Except that the guy (in Britain) was always speeding when he saw the flash. Curious to know what it was, he kept barreling back and forth down the road to see the flash. Got quite a nice fine. Source is a show called "Dumbest drivers" Karlston and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 3,026 years from now, it's either going to be really good, or really bad. sandman117 and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 55 minutes ago, Karlston said: to be really good, or really bad. The weather? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 3 hours ago, lurch234 said: The weather? Spoiler Could be, or it may have something to do with that year. lurch234 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archimede Posted November 18 Share Posted November 18 10 hours ago, Karlston said: 3,026 years from now, it's either going to be really good, or really bad. It's indeed a 50-50 chance Spoiler Fair warning: Karlston's sense of humor contains several Easter eggs Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 18 Share Posted November 18 lurch234, Archimede, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted November 19 Share Posted November 19 @Karlston 50-50 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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