[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aeri]

“I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son.

“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.”

 

[aeri]

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

 

[Karlston]

My wife just misused the term "mansplaining" and I have no idea what to do.

[Karlston]

There was a bloke who after trying a tandem jump really wanted to do a solo jump, so he signed up for a weekend course. Saturday was all about the theory.

 

Sunday morning was some practice jumps from an aircraft on the ground.

 

Finally, Sunday afternoon it's up in the air. The climb seemed to take forever – almost as long as the tedious lectures in the classroom. Thinking about that, he thinks to himself he perhaps should have been paying better attention.

 

Anyhow they finally arrive at the jump altitude and the class prepare to exit.

 

He steps to the edge, and jumps.

 

The feeling is exhilarating, the sound of the aircraft disappears and there's nothing but the sound of the air rushing past his head. He then remembers he's supposed to be counting! How long has he been falling? Takes a guess, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 & he pulls his ripcord. Nothing happens. He tugs again. Nothing happens!

 

He looks down at the now rapidly approaching ground.

 

He spies a dot that seems to be growing fast than the general landscape and eventually makes out that it seems to be a person rising up to meet him!

 

As they approach he calls out "Do you know anything about parachutes??"
 

NO! Do you know anything about gas barbecues???

[Karlston]

[aeri]

I don't worry about Friday the 13th.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.

 

[funkyy]

@aeri  Believe it or not, but in Chile it's Martes 13 (Tuesday 13th)

                that is considered the bad luck day.

[aeri]

What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.

 

 

[aeri]

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

 

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

 

[ducky88]

 

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[Dce3480]

[vitorio]

On 9/10/2024 at 6:43 PM, aeri said:

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

 

"There's more than one way to skin a cat"

[Karlston]

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

 

A student puts up his hand and says 'G.'

 

The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

[aeri]

Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"

His mother replies, "What is he shouting?"
"Ice creams! Come get your ice cream..."

 

[Karlston]

I've joined a support group for people who talk (or post) too much.

It's called On and On Anon.

[Karlston]

Did my first nude painting yesterday.

 

The neighbours weren’t impressed but my front door looks great.

[funkyy]

@Karlston  I'll get a lifetime membership for my wife's Christmas

[aeri]

I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed.

I told him “bro, you were there!”

 

[aeri]

A man went into a restaurant and asked for crab. When the waiter brought it, the man objected, "Just a minute, that crab only has one claw!"
"Yes, said the waiter, it was in a fight."
"Well," said the man, "Bring me the winner!"

 

[aeri]

Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?
No, it was written in ink!

 

[aeri]

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

 

[Karlston]

[vitorio]

Blondie story!

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

the flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

she then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

the blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

the blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

the pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? i'll

handle this, i'm married to a blonde. i speak blonde."

he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"i told her, 'first class isn't going to toronto."

[Akaneharuka]

[ducky88]

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory.

One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you..?"
"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my manhood in the pickle slicer, " he explained, "and today I finally did it..!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.
Shocked, she said with a sigh of relief "You look okay, you're all there" .
"So what happened to the pickle slicer..?"
"Well, " he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."