[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

Studies show that cows give more milk when you talk to them.

 

In one ear and out the udder.

[aum]

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s

sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.

The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.

In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.

This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,

“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.

 

“I know, it really is weird,” he says, “because he absolutely hated the book.”

[aum]

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

 

[aum]

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

 

[aum]

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

 

[aum]

If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

 

[aum]

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life.

 

This enables you, at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

 

[aum]

United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.

Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

[Karlston]

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.

 

He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

 

As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey Paddy!, what's that little green thing you've got down there?"

 

The little green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and then runs back to the Irishman.

 

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey Paddy!, what is that thing, anyway?"

 

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

 

"A leprechaun!" says the Englishman laughing, "Boy, I never knew leprechauns were so ugly!"

 

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

 

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.

 

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

 

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

 

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT"........

[aum]

A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”

The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”

The confessor thief leaves.

Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.

 

Only to realize… his cow was missing.

[lurch234]

Another Irishman walks into a pub and starts drinking with earnest.

 

He suddenly proclaims that he can stand on one end of the bar counter and pee in a beer glass on the opposite side.

 

The bartender bets $20 he couldn't. So the Irishman starts to relieve himself and manages to drench an Englishman that was sitting next to the glass.

 

"You lose. And by a mile" the happy bartender says.

 

"Who cares." the Irishman replies. "I bet $50 beforehand with another guy that I would pee all over an Englishman..."

[aum]

Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once.

 

I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.

 

[aum]

One day, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

 

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

 

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

 

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

 

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "Have you boys been drinking?"

 

"No sir," replied Earl. "We're on the patch!"

 

Edited August 12 by aum

[aum]

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

 

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

 

The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

 

[aum]

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one.

"No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."

He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"

 

[aum]

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

 

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

 

[aum]

A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"

 

[aum]

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

 

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about 20 minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

 

[aum]

The father of three called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room. The clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.

"Do you take children?" the father asked.

"No, sir," replied the clerk. "We only take cash and credit cards."

 

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