lurch234 Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 On my young sons birthday we went for a long walk discussing many things about life. Upon returning home he ran crying to his mother saying it was the worst birthday ever! I was taken aback! I swear I heard him say to his mother he wanted a "walkie-talkie" funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to John and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.” He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well, ... there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.” funkyy and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 I just watched a documentary on marijuana... I think all documentaries should be watched this way ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!” So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video? ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 (edited) A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey. He takes a sip and then spits it out. "I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac." The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again. "This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!" The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says: "This one's on the house." The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" "Now tell me, how old am I?" Edited August 7 by aum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht thefrist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl msesand you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raedervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese...... ducky88, TrojanK and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 aum, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 An item for sale on craigslist.... "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. [If she’s home, $100.]" ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?” Susan responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job. He asked which companies? I told him gas, electric, and cable. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" kmr1685 and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A: A desserter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me... I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 My son asked if I was named after my dad. I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't. He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing! ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing." "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face." funkyy, Karlston, TrojanK and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out. I knew right away who sent it... It was my Uncle Ben. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 ducky88, TrojanK, phen0men4 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name. So I called her Bluff. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 The CEO calls a young employee into his office. CEO: When you joined the company, you were just an intern. Within a year, I promoted you from intern to associate, from associate to manager, and from manager to senior manager. I keep promoting you because I recognized your talent and hard work. Today, I’ve called you in to tell you that I’m preparing to promote you to vice president. Do you have anything to say?” The young man replies, “Thanks.” CEO: “Thanks? Is that really all you have to say to me?” After thinking for a while, the young man finally spoke: “Thanks, Dad.” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Definition: Askhole A Person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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