aum Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant." Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland? One of them said: "Wales Idiot!" So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember. ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 The most romantic story isn't Romeo and Juliet who died together, but Grandma and Grandpa who grew old together. funkyy, danielson, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 Some people come into your life as blessings. Others come into your life as lessons. funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 ducky88, funkyy, lurch234 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 A Man Walks Into a Bar, he leans over and says to the bartender, “Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?” The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.” The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano. He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully. The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.” The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?” “If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies. So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer. As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says, “What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.” The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog. The bartender shakes his head slowly. “Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog. Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.” The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek. “Are you wiping off my kiss?” she asked. “No”, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, “I’m just rubbing it in!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 My girlfriend asked me for something that goes 0 to 200 in 2 seconds for her birthday. Apparently she wasn’t asking for a scale TrojanK and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time! funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? Oops. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 Why was Heisenberg’s wife unhappy? Because whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch? Fission Chips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room. She finally had to ask: “Johnny, why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?” He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar. The mother quickly replied, “God gave it to you? How did this happen?” “Well Mom, you give me a dollar to give to God.” “So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.” funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 In a relationship one person is always right and the other person is a male. Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 I'm sick of hearing Olympians talk about how much work they've put in and "all the sacrifices they've made" What do they want? A fookin medal? Karlston, sandman117 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 Tried to read the dictionary in bed last night. Didn't finish it. Got up to 'P'. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant. To which she replies "No, it kills them." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 funkyy, TrojanK and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 TrojanK, ducky88, funkyy and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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