[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[aum]

After giving the man a regular check-up and running some tests, the doctor eventually returned with three bottles. One with blue pills, one with green pills, and one with red pills.

 

"This is a month's supply of pills." The doctor explains. "Every morning, take one of the blue pills with a large glass of water.

Every lunchtime, take one of the green pills with another large glass of water. And at bedtime take one of the red pills with another large glass of water."

Concerned with the number of pills he's going to be taking, the man asks "What's wrong with me, doctor?"

 

"You're not drinking enough water."

 

[aum]

What is unique about Humans?

Humans are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

 

[aum]

A woman invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "

Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.

 

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

[aum]

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life."

"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"

"Yeah, I know," said his boss.

 

[aum]

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended northmont high school.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach?'

 

 

[aum]

Mixed Messages Watch the Spell Check or Auto Check

 

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

 

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

 

SECOND MESSAGE*

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?

Regards, Alan

 

[aum]

Three drunks hailed a taxi.

 

The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

 

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

 

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch.

So what was that for, he asked.

 

Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

 

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

[lurch234]

[aum]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.

 

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

 

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

 

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

 

[aum]

Just remember:

when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

 

[aum]

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

"IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.

 

As he does so, a loud voice from above says, “There are no fish down there.”

So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole. As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,

“There’s no fish down there.”

So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.

Once again the voice says, “There’s no fish down there.”

The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks, “God, is that you?”

 

“No, you idiot,” says the voice. “It’s the rink manager.”

[aum]

9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

 

"Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"

 

"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."

 

"All right, hold on a second."

 

BLAM!

 

"Okay, now what?"

 

 

[aum]

My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.

He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"

I said, "Where? Through a minefield?"

 

[aum]

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".

A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."

The old man said, "And the same old story..."

 

[aum]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

 

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

 

"The guy was your doctor."

 

 

[aum]

What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid?

 

Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."

 

A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.

 

The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.

 

On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"

 

The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."

 

[aum]

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

 

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

 

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

 

"Fishin', sir."

 

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

 

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

 

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

 

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

 

[aum]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

 

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

 

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said.

 

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."