[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

 

Subtle...

 

Spoiler

Luftwaffe Luftwaffle

[aum]

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.

"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.

"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!"

 

[aum]

4 Friends reunite 30 years after school

 

One friend goes to the restroom while the other three start discussing the success of their sons.

 

Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Friend 2 says his son became a pilot, started his own airline, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a jet.

Friend 3 says his son became an engineer, founded his own development company, and is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle.

 

Friend 4 returns from the restroom and asks what they're talking about.

They tell him they are discussing the success of their sons and ask about his son.

He says his son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar.

 

The other three express their disappointment, assuming he must be unhappy with his son's lack of success.

 

"Oh no!" the father replies, "He's doing quite well. Last week, for his birthday, he received a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from three of his boyfriends."

 

[aum]

A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"

Then the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"

 

[aum]

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

 

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

 

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

 

[aum]

Patient 1: 'Why did you run away from the operation table?'
Patient 2: 'The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.'
Patient 1: 'So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?'

Patient 2: 'She was talking to the surgeon!'

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

Is it such a big deal that I don’t know what the word "apocalypse" means?

 

It's not like it's the end of the world.

[aum]

So one day, I gynecologist got bored with his job. But he realized that he had spent many years training with his hands, and he decided he would switch to careers to something else that he could use his hands with. Not wanting the stress of being a medical professional, he decided to attend vocational school to learn to be an automotive mechanic. He worked really hard and studied day and night. When the results of his final exam came in, he was quite perplexed. It showed that he got 150% on the test. The doctor figured this had to be a mistake so he called his instructor at the vocational school.

 

Doc: there must be some mistake. It says I got a 150% on the final exam. Could you explain that?

 

Instructor: well, for the first part of the test you took apart the cars engine perfectly. That counted for 50 points of your test. Then you went and put the engine back together perfectly. That was another 50 points. But those last 50 points? Well that’s because none of us have ever seen anyone do it through the muffler before.

 

[aum]

A mother walks into her own bedroom and is surprised to catch her 10 year old daughter reading her diary. Startled, she just stands there.

"You were right mom," says the daughter. "Reading is fun."

 

[aum]

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

 

[aum]

Two Irishmen had just won $500,000 in a lottery.

Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, "What about all them beggin letters?"

 

Sean replies, "We'll just keep sending them."

 

[aum]

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"

With a long pause the vet replies: "1955 I believe."
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then?"

Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Q: What's the difference between horny and homesick?

 

A: trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta, walks to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want the worst bj in the house!" "but sir, for that kind of money you could have the best bj in the house" The trucker replies, "It's ok, I'm homesick, not horny"

 

[aum]

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

 

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

 

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

 

Edited July 30 by aum

[aum]

My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.

 

[aum]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

 

[aum]

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years."She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks,
"What did the doctor tell you?"

"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

 

[aum]

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

 

So overweight people are now average... which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.

 

[aum]

It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick, the wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.

 

The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.

“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.

“Sure Father.” Said Rick.

He cleared his throat and addressed the audience: “I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.

“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.

At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.

“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”

He finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.

“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,

 

“I dare you to do it again!”