[JOTD] Joke of the day

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A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says, “I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”  “Please come fast.”

 

Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”

 

Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.

 

 

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They say that "a problem shared is a problem halved."

I'm not too sure about that as last night I told my wife that my girlfriend was pregnant.

 

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In the back woods, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

 

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

 

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

 

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

 

[aum]

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...

in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

 

[lurch234]

Stumbled on this with the following caption:

 

 

M. Night Shyamalan meeting a fan in Brazil yesterday

[aum]

A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to talk to the vet.

“Is it bleeding?” The vet asked.

“No, but it’s shaking a lot.”

“That means it’s going into shock,” the vet concluded, “Cover him up and bring him in as soon as you can.”

“But sir it’s 80 degrees out I don’t have a jacket or anything to cover him with,” the wife explained.

“Ok, just put him between your legs to keep him stable for the ride over.” The vet replied calmly.

“What about the smell?” The wife asked.

 

“The smell? Just cover his nose!”

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A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure, saying God would protect him.
He is quickly eaten and finds himself at the pearly gates before God.
"Why did you not protect me from the tigers?" the man asks.

 

"I tried to," God replies. "What did you think the fence was for?"

 

[aum]

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

 

[aum]

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

 

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my Alma mater -- Rice University."

 

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

 

The last applicant was a lawyer.

When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

 

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

 

[aum]

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother.
From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

 

[aum]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Little Johnny had to take care of his baby sister while his mum and dad went shopping.

 

To pass the time he decided to go fishing and reluctantly took his little sister along.

“I’ll never do that again”, Little Johnny said to his mum, “I didn’t catch a thing”!

His mum said “Oh, next time I’m sure your little sister will be quiet and not frighten the fish away”.

 

Little Johnny said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the fxxxing bait”.

[aum]

I was once served French pancakes in a haunted house.
They gave me the crepes!

 

Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."

 

I got fired from Pepsi after working there for 20 years.
I tested positive for coke.

 

Dung beetle walks into a bar.
"Is this stool taken?"

 

What do you call a man with a toe on his knee?
Tony.

 

It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And blamed it on cost of living.

 

Save money when buying a coffin.
Buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!

 

I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes to bed.
Probably puts his pyjamazon.

 

I paid $500 for a belt.
It was a huge waist.

 

My girlfriend has always said that I'm not a romantic.
So I surprised her and proposed to her in a castle.

You would think she would have been happy
but for the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

 

 

[aum]

Question: What do you get when you mix vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia?

Answer: A Phillips' screwdriver.

 

[aum]

A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot.

 

Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything. I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.”

 

As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space.

 

The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one”.

 

[aum]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

 

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."

 

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

 

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

 

Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

 

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

 

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."

 

[aum]

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

 

[aum]

Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

 

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Archie nodded approvingly.

‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”

 

‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white

 

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