[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

 

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn.

The man notices the dog lying at the farmer’s feet and smiles at the pooch.

“Can I talk to your dog?” The man asks.

The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.

“Dog doesn’t talk, but whatever,” he replies.

“How are you doing, dog?” The man questions.

“Doing pretty good,” the dog answers to the utter shock of the farmer.”

“My master takes me on three walks a day, lets me run in the field, and feeds me every day. I have a good life here.”

The man smiles.

He then notices a horse who had trotted over to see what was going on.

“Can I talk to your horse?” The man asks again.

The farmer is still skeptical.

“Horse doesn’t talk, but whatever,” the farmer answered again.

“How are you doing, horse?” The man queries.

“Doing really good!” The horse answers enthusiastically.

The farmer’s jaw has gone slack.

“My master feeds me every day and lets me from the stables at dawn and dusk to run and stretch my legs.”

The man nods his head. He looks around and spots a sheep grazing nearby.

“Can I talk to your sheep?” The man asks.

 

“That sheep is a forking' liar!” The farmer shouts.

[aum]

Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks, “If there is a memento of some sort inside.”

“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

 

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

[aum]

Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.

After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.

“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”

So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.

“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.

“How is she?” repeated Johnny.

 

“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

[aum]

A man and his wife are traveling through Florida when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimmee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it.

“Kiss-a-me,” says the husband.

“That’s wrong,” says the wife, “The right way to say it is kis-A-me.”

“Not necessarily,” says the husband, “It could also be kis-a-Me.”

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide to stop to buy some lunch.

 

The husband decides that this is a good opportunity to be proven right, and settle the argument with his wife.

“Excuse me,” he says to the waitress at the counter, “My wife and I can’t figure out the right way to pronounce the name of this place. Will you please tell us where we are, and say it slowly so that we get it right?”

“Sure,” says the waitress.

 

“Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiinnnnggg.”

[aum]

Little Johnny had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

 

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The Little Johnny thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The Little Johnny said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

 

“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

Edited July 20 by aum

[aum]

A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice, ‘Stop! there is a brick going to fall on your head’.

The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.

After a short walk, The man was again alerted by the voice, ‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you’.

The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.

He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.

The voice responds, “I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger”.

 

The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.

[aum]

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

“Please come quickly,” she yelled, “I just saw a pant less man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.

“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.

“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.

“And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

 

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady.

“Try standing on the dresser!”

 

[aum]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

 

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with s*x*@1 a$$$@u1t,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

 

Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

 

[aum]

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

 

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.

The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.

 

She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”

 

[aum]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

 

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, "No".

Jerry said She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile".

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...

 

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We’re outta here!

[aum]

Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.

 

Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”

So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray?”

The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Little Johnny says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

 

And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”

 

Moral of the story: The approval you want depends on the way you ask for it.

[aum]

Michael was thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

 

He asked God: “Why did you make her so kindhearted?”

The Lord responded: “So you could love her my son”

Next question: “Why did you make her so good-looking?”

Reply: “So you could love her my son”

Third one: “Why did you make her such a good cook?”

Response: “So you could love her my son”

Michael thought about this for a while, and then he said: “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything. But why did you make her so stupid?”

 

Without hesitation came the answer: “So she could love you, my son.

 

[aum]

This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, “In my house, I am the boss.

I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made. And when the dishes are washed.”

One of the guys at the table said, “How long have you been married?”

 

The man says, “Oh I’m not married I’m single!”

 

[aum]

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

 

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

 

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

 

[aum]

What is the difference between a salon and a saloon?

A salon is where you go to make yourself look better.
A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.

 

 

[aum]

A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach.

Luckily there's a harbor near by and the captain heads in to barter for goods.

Naturally the captain seeks out the first merchant who is selling booze and requests his finest bottle of rum.

Upon returning the crew is aghast. "All you came back with is a lousy bottle of rum"? Aye boys the merchant says to me this here's a magic bottle of rum. No matter how much yee drink it never goes dry. "You fool!!! He hoodwinked you. There's no such as a magic bottle of rum"!

 

Ah well, no matter, alls I traded him was a ship that'll never sink.

 

[aum]

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

 

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

 

[aum]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

 

[aum]

The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.

"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."

 

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?"

 

[aum]

The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

 

[aum]

The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it today for $800."

 

The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?" The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair."

The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!"

 

The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I left my law practice."

 

[aum]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

 

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

 

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[aum]

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

 

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

 

"Neither, He's bald."

 

[aum]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

 

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.

 

“May we see the new baby?” One of them asked.

“Not yet.” Said the mother.

“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

 

Another half-hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet.” Said the mother.

 

A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet.” Replied the mother.

 

Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries.” She told them.

“When it cries?” They gasped.

“Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

 

“Because I forgot where I put it.”

[Karlston]