aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." kmr1685, Adenman, vitorio and 2 others 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 A group of four-year-olds were being questioned by their teacher in a Sunday School class. Looking across at those bright little faces, the teacher asked this question: "Does anyone know what today is?" A little girl held up her hand and said, "Yes, today is Palm Sunday." "That's fantastic!" the teacher said. "Now does anyone know what next Sunday is?" The same little girl lifted her hand. "Yes," she said, "next Sunday is Easter Sunday." The teacher was all smiles. "Oh, very good. Now, does anyone know what makes next Sunday Easter? "On a roll the same little girl responded, "Yes, next Sunday is Easter because Jesus rose from the grave." Before the impressed teacher could congratulate her, however, the girl added, "But if He sees His shadow, He has to go back in for seven weeks." Irfannsane and Adenman 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking. So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time. Irfannsane, leapinlizards and Adenman 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I’m on the toilet. Please advise. Irfannsane, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post aum Posted June 20 Popular Post Share Posted June 20 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent." vitorio, ducky88, Adenman and 4 others 3 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 21 hours ago, lurch234 said: Note: This hasn't been faked. It's actually 4 yr old news. https://www.newsweek.com/sea-urchin-hats-saltwater-aquarium-cowboy-viking-top-hat-3d-printing-1500500 Look out hermit crabs! You're next...😄 funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 funkyy, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 A blind man walks in a convenience store. Going thru the aisles he starts hitting the displays left and right with his white cane. A clerk rushes up to him asking if he needed help. "No, thank you" says the man. " I'm just having a look." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 Adenman, funkyy and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!” “Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why. “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.” Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" funkyy, Adenman and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?' The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.' 'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. 'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.' 'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad.' 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer replied. 'So what happened then?' the man asked. The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.' 'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.' Man laughed and said, 'Again?' The farmer replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.' 'So, what did you do then?' the man asked. 'I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.' 'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.' 'Hm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head. 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said. 'So, what did you do?' the man asked. 'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain.' Adenman, kmr1685, ducky88 and 2 others 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful? You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman. funkyy, Karlston, kmr1685 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 25 Share Posted June 25 ducky88, danielson, funkyy and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 vitorio, danielson, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 27 Share Posted June 27 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 danielson, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 @Karlston That was how my old life was.....now as a retired gentleman (or "lazy layabout" as my wife calls me), I have the luxury of not bothering what day it is. Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 1 hour ago, funkyy said: That was how my old life was.....now as a retired gentleman (or "lazy layabout" as my wife calls me), I have the luxury of not bothering what day it is. Same here mate, though after realising that every retirement day was the same, I re-adopted the work/non-work day difference and still look forward to weekends and public holidays when I don't have to garden or do housework or anything at all and not feel guilty. sandman117 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 ducky88, sandman117 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 funkyy, ducky88 and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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