aum Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 A company owner was asked a question, 'How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?' He smiled & replied, 'It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.' Karlston, Adenman and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name ...and you've never been to that bar before. Adenman and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 The bank robbers tied and gagged the employees in one room and the manager in his office. On their way out they noticed the manager was making desperate noises to catch their attention. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosened the gag and heard the man’s plead, “Please take the books too, I’m $5000 short!” Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!" Adenman, Karlston and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. ... I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in. The distance! ... My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing. ... I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals. I said, "I work with animals every day." She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?" I replied, "I'm a butcher!" ... Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours. So they called it a day! ... What’s the difference between a camera and a sock? A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes. ... Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it. Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 What do you call a bee that comes from America? A USB! ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes." I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 ducky88, aum and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 16 Share Posted June 16 A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up. Her husband asked the reason. She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup." TrojanK, Karlston, danielson and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 16 Share Posted June 16 Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore,a list of eighteen (18) New and Innovative 'Try Saying' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues... INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks. Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck. Thank You, Human Resources Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 16 Share Posted June 16 Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth." There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband." Karlston, ducky88 and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 16 Share Posted June 16 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 17 Share Posted June 17 This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor? The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight. Karlston, ducky88 and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 17 Share Posted June 17 ducky88, funkyy, Adenman and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 17 Share Posted June 17 aum, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted June 18 Share Posted June 18 “Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.” “Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.” “Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh for fook sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!” lurch234, TrojanK, aum and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 18 Share Posted June 18 aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 ducky88 and lurch234 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 Note: This hasn't been faked. It's actually 4 yr old news. https://www.newsweek.com/sea-urchin-hats-saltwater-aquarium-cowboy-viking-top-hat-3d-printing-1500500 Karlston, ducky88 and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood. After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities. The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says, “Dad, do you see that cow?” “Yes, I do son” “So, I sucked it’s blood”, the first one replies. The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says, “Dad, do you see that horse?”, he asks “Yes, I do, son” “So, I sucked its blood” Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says, “Dad, do you see that wall?” “Yes, I do, son”, replies the father. “I didn’t” Adenman, ducky88, kmr1685 and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am. He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month. As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77. The man thinks, “hmm. all these sevens. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.” So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”. The man can’t believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse. The horse came in seventh. Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 One man’s marriage has gotten a bit dull, so he asks a friend if he has any ideas on how to add some excitement back to the marriage. “Well,” his friend says, “you can always have an affair.” “I can’t do that! I will always be faithful to her.” the troubled man replies. “If you convince her to let you do it, and then it won’t be cheating.” The man agrees to give it a try. The next time his wife seems to be in a very good mood he shares the idea with her that a new partner would add excitement. “Honey,” his wife says, “that won’t help our marriage. Believe me, I already tried it.” Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 What is the definition of a bachelor? A man who doesn't have to leave the party just as he's beginning to enjoy himself. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 Housemaid demands a raise from the lady of the house Lady: So, what do you have in mind? Maid: I would like to have a ferrari, no? Lady: Why in the 7 hells do you think you deserve that? Maid: See, I cook way better than you Lady: Says who? Maid: Your husband! Also I do laundry better than you Lady: And why do you think so? Maid: Your Husband said it, Also I´m much better in bed than you are. Lady: Does my husband also said that? Maid: No Miss, but the gardener Lady: Red or Yellow for the ferrari? Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.