[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A company owner was asked a question, 'How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?'

He smiled & replied, 'It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.

 One is paid parking.'

 

[aum]

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name

 

...and you've never been to that bar before.

 

 

[aum]

The bank robbers tied and gagged the employees in one room and the manager in his office. On their way out they noticed the manager was making desperate noises to catch their attention.

Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosened the gag and heard the man’s plead, “Please take the books too, I’m $5000 short!”

 

[aum]

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

 

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

 

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!"

 

 

[aum]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

[aum]

Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day.

...

I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in. The distance!

...

My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.

...

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

...

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours.
So they called it a day!

...

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.

...

Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.

 

[aum]

What do you call a bee that comes from America?

A USB!

 

[aum]

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"

I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."

I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

 

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.

Her husband asked the reason.

She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup."

 

 

[aum]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of eighteen (18) New and Innovative 'Try Saying' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You, Human Resources

 

[aum]

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

 

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

 

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

 

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.

 

[aum]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”

“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.”

“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.

“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh for fook sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”