[JOTD] Joke of the day

[vitorio]

That is what mother-in-law are for!

[Karlston]

[aum]

A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time.
He sees the price is $10 but when he goes to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“What’s this 65 cents about?” He asks. The cashier says “it’s for the tax.”

“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”

 

[aum]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

 

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

 

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

 

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

[aum]

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

 

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

 

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."

 

[aum]

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs." Amen, Brother!"

 

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again." Preach it, Reverend!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "Right on Brother, Tell it like it is. Amen!"

 

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 

[aum]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

[aum]

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you.
NOTE: “Please take only one drop”

So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.”
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
“Your father? Hm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”
“So where is he?”

“Oh, that’s him I have on my back."

 

[aum]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

 

[aum]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

A country girl is going to the drive in with a city boy.

The mother advises her daughter that if the boy gets to handsy to simply ask him what would they call the newborn.

At the drive in things go pretty quickly and when all is done the girl remembers, albeit to late, what her mother told her.

"What are we going to call the kid?" she asks.

Without a word, the boy ties a knot in his condom and throws it out the window.

"If he gets out of there we'll call him Houdini!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar.

As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of

“When does life begin”.

The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception. Jeremiah 1:5.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.

The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”

The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.

 

“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.

[aum]

What does a Polish girl get on her wedding night that’s long and hard?

New last name.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police.

 

The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

 

[aum]

So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

 

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

 

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

 

That's the last thing I remember.

 

[aum]

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

[aum]

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.

He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

 

[aum]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the @##hole is usually in charge.

 

 

[aum]

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”

 

[aum]

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time.

 

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things. What am I?"

 

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

 

[Karlston]