[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”

 

[aum]

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.

Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.

 

“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” the judge said.

“Well, Your Honor,” Dan started, “every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.

 

“Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

[aum]

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter but the boss doesn’t think he’s fit enough.

He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five-foot tree with his ax, and it falls over.

The boss is impressed.

The old man then repeats this with a ten-foot tree.

Then a thirty-foot tree. Finally, he takes his ax up to an 80-foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down.

The boss is amazed and asks the man how he learned to do that.

The man says “I practiced in the Sahara forest.”

“Don’t you mean the Sahara desert?” The boss asks.

 

“Well yes,” says the old man, “that’s what they call it now.”

[aum]

How do you identify a bald eagle?

All his feathers are combed over to one side.

 

[aum]

Dear Monday: I want to break up.

I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry.

It’s not me — it’s you.

 

[aum]

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

 

[aum]

Son: “Mom, can I have $20?”

Mom: “Does it look like I am made of money?”

Son: “Well, isn't that what M-O-M stands for?”

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

My missus crashed her car into some guy this morning.

She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time.

The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own front room.

[aum]

You know your getting old.
When your son's hair is turning gray.

 

[aum]

For birthday husband bought wife a bath scale, as a joke.

 

For his birthday, she bought him a ruler.

 

[aum]

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, “I seek the greatest swordsman in the world.”

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly.

The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

 

The young man says, “Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world.”

The old man says, “No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I.”

So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, “I seek the greatest swordsman in the world.”

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly.

The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.

The young man says, “Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world.”

The old man says, “No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman.”

 

So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, “I seek the greatest swordsman in the world.”

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly.

The fly buzzes away.

“What’s going on,” the young man yells.

“I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn’t even kill that fly.”

 

“No,” the old man says.

 

“That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children.”

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[Karlston]

[aum]

A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.

 

The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

“Morris,” said grandma,

“you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”

 

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered, “I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”