Karlston Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 aum, funkyy, Adenman and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) You know you're having a bad day when... Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. Edited January 6 by aum Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 "Madam, your husband must have absolute rest." "Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me." "A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning." ducky88, Karlston and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll climb over my neighbor's fence and get it for you. ducky88, Adenman and TrojanK 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today. ducky88, Adenman and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 lurch234, ducky88, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 Apple kills Star Trek Karlston, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post lurch234 Posted January 7 Popular Post Share Posted January 7 The names of the Wichita snow plows currently out removing snow yesterday: And you'll find the list of all their snow plows here lol: https://www.wichita.gov/1103/Snow-Removal-Map TrojanK, phen0men4, sandman117 and 5 others 1 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly. Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. He said, very softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" ducky88, Adenman, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 "Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise." "Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one." TrojanK, ducky88 and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went. Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seat belt. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Early morning Husband woke up his wife and asked her: “Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?” She: “Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?” Hubby: “No. Yoga is good for health.” She: “Oh.. that means I am sick.” Hubby: “No no. If you don’t want to get up, then it’s OK.” She: “So now you think I am lazy, ha?” Hubby: “Nooo. You are misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean…” She: “Aha ! So I don’t understand you, right?” Hubby: “Now look I didn’t say that.” She: “So am I lying? “ Hubby: Please “don’t stretch it in the morning” She: “Oh wow. So I am a quarrelsome lady.” Hubby: “All right ! Its better that I also don’t go for Yoga.” She: “See ? You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me.” HUBBY: “Ok You go off to sleep. I am going alone. happy?” SHE: “You always go alone everywhere and enjoy.” Hubby: “Please . I am feeling giddy now “ She: “See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself only. Never think of my health.” Grrrrrr… (Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong.) ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a desert road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver a young, a man dressed in a Brioni suit, Ceruti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, "All right." The young man parks the car, connects his notebook to his cell phone, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. "You have exactly 1,586 sheep," he declares. "That's correct," says the shepherd. "You may take the sheep." The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his car. The shepherd asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep?" "Why not?" answers the young man. "You're a Consultant," declares the shepherd confidently. "That's amazing! How did you guess so quickly and easily?" asks the man. "Very simple," replies the shepherd. "First you came here without being called. Secondly, you charge me to tell me something I already knew. And thirdly, you do not understand anything about what I do. And lastly you took my sheepdog." funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.” The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?” The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.” The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?” “He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?” The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.” funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 ducky88, lurch234 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A serious drinking problem." TrojanK, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debebee Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 (edited) SENIOR TRYING TO RESET PASSWORD WINDOWS: Please enter your new password USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sory, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50damnboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sory, the password must contain at least one upper case characier USER: 50DAMNbolledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssl YouDontGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff500DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedupYourAssifYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sory, that password is already in use. Edited January 10 by debebee funkyy, aum, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 aum, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I hate liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.” Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?" ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Karlston, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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