aum Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Adenman, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Adenman, ducky88 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Adenman, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 ducky88, Adenman, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.” The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.” The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?” The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail — one day for each peach.” As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?” The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.” Karlston, funkyy and leapinlizards 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 aum, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away? He died in his own arms. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 (edited) A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!" Edited January 2 by aum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!" ducky88 and leapinlizards 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said. "Screw the Preacher." vitorio, ducky88 and leapinlizards 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, Pullover!" "No," the woman yelled back, "It's a Scarf!" ducky88, TrojanK and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!" "That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts. "That's a lion!" answered a little boy. "Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?" Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!" kaloo1995, Karlston, ducky88 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 @aum or a picture of me !! ducky88, Karlston and aum 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 12 hours ago, funkyy said: @aum or a picture of me !! For one I am sure. For the other, you speak. 😉 funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the frigging dog! aum, funkyy, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) 3 hours ago, ducky88 said: My wife said I should look harder Little anecdote here: When the first TNG star trek movie came out a friend of mine and myself decided to go to the premier. He couldn't get there as early as I could so I asked the doorman to give my friend his ticket that I bought. He asked in disbelief how he would recognize him and I said just watch out for a mean looking bald guy with tattoos. My friend got in and we had a good laugh! Edited January 5 by lurch234 funkyy, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, "see those two old drunks sitting there...that's going to be us in ten years." I looked and him and said, "that's a mirror stupid!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Home is where your WI-FI connects automatically. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. danielson, ducky88, funkyy and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.” The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. “And how about you, Sarah?” “I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!” Adenman and funkyy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?” The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior. To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him. “If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!” “No.” “Five dollars!” “No.” “Ten dollars!” “I told you, no.” Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, and then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose. The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The old man smiles, shrugs and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar.” Adenman, funkyy and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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