[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[aum]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan.

They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said.

“Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted.

“The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

 

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

[vitorio]

That is a good one! I am still laughing.

[aum]

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

I was thinking about all the bad habits I would be giving up next year.

Then I remembered, no one likes a quitter...

[aum]

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

 

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

[aum]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you nuts!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead off food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

 

[aum]

An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant, where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.

‘ But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.

‘ Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.

‘Yes!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

 

‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

 

(Moral Of The Story:  Don't mess with the seniors!")

[vitorio]

Smart old woman!

 

She learned There's More Than One Way to Skin a Cat.

Edited December 30, 2023 by vitorio

[Karlston]

[aum]

Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For The Movies

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

 

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

 

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

 

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

 

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

 

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

 

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

 

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

 

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

 

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

 

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

 

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

 

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

 

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

 

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

 

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

 

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

 

If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't.

 

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

 

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

 

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

 

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

 

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

 

[aum]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fifth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.'

[aum]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:

 

Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.

 

[aum]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[aum]

My Russian mechanic souped up my car.

Now it drives like a Borscht!

[aum]

It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in An Elderly Dr. Stein’s house.

“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,

“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says,“Hi, what’s up?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.

“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”

“Sure, yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice, “I’m leaving right now.”

And he puts down the phone.

“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.

 

“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.

“They’ve already called three doctors.”

[vitorio]

Only married people understand this answer.

Edited December 31, 2023 by vitorio

[Karlston]

[aum]

4 hours ago, vitorio said:

Only married people understand this answer.

Only married people experience this answer.  😉

[aum]

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

 

Edited January 1 by aum

[aum]

So, a rich tycoon and his wife are having New Year’s dinner at a very exclusive restaurant, when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. 

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who in the hell was that?”

“Oh.” Replies the husband, “She’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw.” Says the wife, “I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that.” Replies her husband, “But remember, I have all my money ring-fenced in a way you can’t access it along with our prenuptial agreement. So, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.”

He continues, “Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit cards, and large bank account. But?” He says. “The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” Asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress.” Says the husband.

 

“Oh, ours is much prettier.” She replies.

[aum]