[JOTD] Joke of the day

[lurch234]

A man after 20 some yrs of marriage was getting tired of the monotonous sex life he and his wife were having.

"Honey!" the man says. "How about we try a new position tonight?"

"That's a great idea!" replies the wife. "You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart"

[aum]

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

[aum]

What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?

 

A widow.

 

[aum]

The other day I came home from work and my wife was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend.
Stunned, I asked, "What's going on here?"
My wife replied, "You tell me."

I told her, "It looks like you're sitting here with some total stranger."
My girlfriend stood up and said, "Stranger? We've been sleeping together for months!"

 

I turned to my wife and asked, "My God, is this true?"

[aum]

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse says, “Bark!” and the cat runs away.

 

The mother mouse then says to her baby, “See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[funkyy]

@Karlston  I must be getting old...I had to think about

that one for a while before the penny dropped lol.

[Karlston]

2 hours ago, funkyy said:

I must be getting old.

 

Me too mate... I didn't even notice that aluminium is spelled wrongly

[funkyy]

@Karlston  In the UK we spell it "aluminium"...in the USA they spell it, and pronounce it, "aluminum".

                       Here endeth the (free) lesson.

[aum]

What happens when a police officer gets into bed?

He becomes an undercover cop.

 

[aum]

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"

His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

 

[aum]

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have any books on how to create suspense?"

The librarian pauses for a moment, then says, "Yes, but I'm not going to tell you where they are!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Wife sent text to husband.

 

“Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return.

She sent another text, “And I forgot to mention. I have also bought a bottle of "Blue Label Premium Scotch Whisky" for you.

He texted, “ really ?”

 

She replied: “No. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

[aum]

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[ducky88]

Wife asks the husband, "Who is the fool, you or me?"

The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "Honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool."

[aum]

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

 

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

 

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

 

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[aum]

A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door.

He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?"
He blurts out, "Yes!"

She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"