aum Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes." Friend: "How?" Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds. They’ve left no tern unstoned. funkyy, TrojanK and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 (edited) Edited December 22, 2023 by aum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 - Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? - "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence? - When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Karlston and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" asked the rookie. "Right after the National Anthem." funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 “Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving," motioned the monkey. funkyy, Pequi and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water, and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.as they got closer. The ladies looked at him and giggled. Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’ ‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man, ‘You really know what I think?’ ‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’ ducky88, Pequi and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 (edited) On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me. In me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother." Edited December 18, 2023 by aum Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 19, 2023 Share Posted December 19, 2023 I think I may have accidentally taken some of the cat's medicine. Don't ask meow. aum, ducky88 and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 19, 2023 Share Posted December 19, 2023 Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "They're Carol's." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 19, 2023 Share Posted December 19, 2023 A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together. The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was. In a subdued voice he replied, “Do you remember that jewelry store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?” Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said, “Yes, of course I remember that shop.” “Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.” ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 Don't throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture car! Karlston, lurch234 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.” A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “ The cab driver hit a parked car. funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 Disadvantage of sleeping with a pillow over your face ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.” Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 As an animal lover I can't believe I laughed at that.😀😀😀 ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 I'm gonna go stand outside, so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel..’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 We all must do our bit for the planet.. So I've just unplugged a row of electric cars that no one was using. TrojanK, aum, lurch234 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear." A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing to death out here!" ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 There's a glass and a half of milk in each Cadbury chocolate block. I'm okay with the milk, it's the glass that worries me. ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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