[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[aum]

16 Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives

 

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit wondering why you don't lick 'them.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on them, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

[Karlston]

Flat Earth theory debunked

 

We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat, because if it was, cats would have pushed everything off the edge already.

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[Karlston]

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning that he would live longer.

 

He said it was a very old remedy, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

 

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

[aum]

Every time I get a headache I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children.

Just like the bottle says.

 

[aum]

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

 

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[aum]

An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”

The elderly guy leaves.

 

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”

The elderly guy leaves.

 

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”

The elderly guy leaves.

 

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”

 

Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

[aum]

Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"

"Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

 

[aum]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

[Karlston]

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

[funkyy]

18 hours ago, aum said:

Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"

"Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

 

And don't I know that.

[aum]

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

 

[Karlston]

Do people in electric cars listen to AC/DC, or something current?

[aum]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one horse lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--won the race.

 

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track again. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one horse.Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

 

The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

 

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.

 

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on.True to his habit, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched, dumbfounded, as the old nag come in dead last.

 

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they all won. Then, in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings--all of it!”

 

The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said, “Son, that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”

[aum]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[aum]

One day, a man was dragged to the cinema by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy.

 

Half an hour into the film, the man felt a nudge in his elbow.

“What an outrage,” his wife murmured to him.

“The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!” the woman said, clearly offended.

 

Her husband was fairly annoyed.

 

He replied: “You woke me up to tell me that?

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and out number them?"

 

[aum]

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

 

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

 

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

 

"He was the original owner."

[aum]

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

 

The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.

 

"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."