[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery: A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.

 

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and asked, “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked her.”

He inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered.

“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 

“Can I borrow the dog?”

 

The man replied. “Get in line.”

[aum]

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.

While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.

He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.

 

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him.

 

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

[aum]

The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office.

“You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.”

 

“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions?” the doctor asked.

 

“Hell, no!” the old fellow replied. “I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”

[aum]

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read, “Purebred Police Dog $25.”

Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

 

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”

 

“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”

[aum]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don’t like each other.

 

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each.

 

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female.

Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

 

Mr. Bear’s second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well.

Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

 

Mr. Bear’s final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world.

 

Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rides off.

[aum]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, 

 

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

[aum]

Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house.

Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama.

However, one day she fell and broke her leg.

An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it.

When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?”

Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.

 

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.

“So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Thank goodness!” she said.

 

“I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”

[aum]

Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?

He can't stop talking about his X.

 

[aum]

Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

 

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply.

 

Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

 

[aum]

A college freshman called up his mother and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the student. 

 

So his mom wrapped up the book and mailed it. Dad asked, "Well how much did you give him?"

"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $500."

"That's $520!" said dad, "Are you crazy?"

 

"Don't worry honey," mom said. "I taped the $20 check to the over of his book, but I put the $500 one somewhere in Chapter 19.

[aum]

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.”

“How did you know?” his mother asked.

 

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied, “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

[Karlston]

I said...go to your room....NOW!!!!

[Karlston]

[aum]

My wife texted me “I love u”.

I said that’s my favorite letter, too.

 

[aum]

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

 

[aum]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.

The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

And they respond: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

[Karlston]

[aum]

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

 

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

 

Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

[aum]

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

[aum]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

 

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

 

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

 

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

[aum]

Fact of Life:

 

After Monday and Tuesday even the Calendar says W T F!

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[aum]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you light the candle under the pot?"

[aum]