ultrahub Posted November 20, 2023 Share Posted November 20, 2023 In the good old days ? funkyy, aum, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 20, 2023 Share Posted November 20, 2023 ultrahub, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 21, 2023 Share Posted November 21, 2023 What is tact? Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 21, 2023 Share Posted November 21, 2023 There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" Karlston, ducky88 and ultrahub 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 21, 2023 Share Posted November 21, 2023 Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I hadn’t cleaned it and frozen it, my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late”. The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up, and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?” Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.” funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted November 22, 2023 Share Posted November 22, 2023 Mom : You really need to adjust your attitude. Daughter : For questions or complaints please contact the manufacturer. funkyy, Karlston, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 22, 2023 Share Posted November 22, 2023 One night, a man was taking a shortcut through the cemetery where Beethoven happened to be buried (Vienna, for anyone who wants to know) Passing by his grave the man starts hearing Beethoven's 3rd symphony but backwards. Spooked, he rushes to the groundskeeper and informs him of what happened. Not believing any of this the keeper still goes to the grave accompanied by the man. And upon arriving they both could hear Beethoven's 5th! Still backwards! "What do you make of that?" the man asks. The keeper ponders this and replies, "Well, while he was alive Beethoven composed. Now, he's just decomposing I guess" funkyy, Karlston, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 23, 2023 Share Posted November 23, 2023 I got arrested the other day for stealing periods/full-stops. Was told that I should expect a very long sentence. ducky88, aum, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 24, 2023 Share Posted November 24, 2023 Black Friday ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 I love going outdoors. It's so much easier than going out windows. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money! Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 lurch234, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet? A: A glass of wine in each hand! ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 A few days before their 10th anniversary, the wife said, “I’ve put up with you for 10 years.” “When I look out the window on our anniversary morning, I expect to see something that will do zero to 200 in under 5 seconds sitting in the driveway”. That morning, she awoke, looked out the window and there in the driveway, wearing a bright red bow, was a brand new scale! ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce. “Tell the court why you want a divorce,” The judge said. “Well, Your Honor,” Dan started. “Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up with her by mistake.” “Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” The judge said. “Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.” ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 L'area de oolala... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood. After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities. The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says, “Dad, do you see that cow?” “Yes, I do son” “So, I sucked it’s blood”, the first one replies The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says, “Dad, do you see that horse?” He asks. “Yes, I do, son” “So, I sucked its blood.” Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says, “Dad, do you see that wall?” “Yes, I do, son”, replies the father. “I didn’t” Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2023 Share Posted November 25, 2023 A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?” There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, “Put down yes!” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted November 26, 2023 Share Posted November 26, 2023 A few smiles for today ... I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart. My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord. A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him, that's the last thing I need. The neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber. 100 years ago, everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the times have changed. Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high-end steakhouse market? It was a Big McSteak. Karlston, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 27, 2023 Share Posted November 27, 2023 Our local IKEA Manager is retiring so I sent him this cake! 😀 ducky88, lurch234, phen0men4 and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s Disease or Alzheimer's Disease?" The Irishman answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!" aum, ultrahub, Karlston and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 TrojanK, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 29, 2023 Share Posted November 29, 2023 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 29, 2023 Share Posted November 29, 2023 lurch234, ducky88, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitorio Posted November 29, 2023 Share Posted November 29, 2023 22 hours ago, Akaneharuka said: He was expelled by sure! Karlston, funkyy, Akaneharuka and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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