[JOTD] Joke of the day

[lurch234]

A middle aged couple were taking a stroll on the sidewalk one fine Sunday afternoon.

The woman notices a man who was visibly drunk as a skunk on the opposite sidewalk.

Turning to her husband she announces to him that the drunkard asked her hand in marriage 10 years ago and that she refused him.

"Wow!" replies the husband. "And he's still celebrating!?"

 

 

[Dce3480]

Q: What was the vegetable wrestler’s favorite move?

A: An artichoke hold.

[ducky88]

Paddy goes for a job at the council and gets the position of putting the telegraph poles into the ground.

At the end of the first day he was asked how many he had done...
"Three boss." he said...
"That's nowhere near enough Paddy, if you want this job, buck your ideas up"
By the end of the week Paddy had increased to five, but the boss said that still wasn't anywhere near enough...
Three weeks in and Paddy can't do any more than six... so the boss takes him out in his car to an avenue where his top man did fourteen in one day...
Paddy said... "Yeah but look how much he's left sticking out the ground"...

 

[lurch234]

6 hours ago, ducky88 said:

Paddy goes for a job at the council and gets the position of

cutting down trees. Boss gives him a chainsaw and off he goes.

Unfortunately Paddy is always behind on his quotas of cut trees. Never seems to be able to do half the work the others do.

In desperation his boss grabs the chainsaw saying: " Does this thing even work!?" He pulls on the cord and starts it up.

Paddy then yells "What the hell's that noise!?"

[funkyy]

So Paddy gets sacked and his wife is furious and tells him to

get a new job or else....

So Paddy gets a new job on a construction site and his wife is happy.

On the first day he comes home and says he's been sacked. His wife asks

why he got sacked and Paddy says "because my wheelbarrow was squeaking".

His wife says "What? How can they sack you because your wheelbarrow was squeaking?"

Paddy replies "The foreman said all the other workers wheelbarrows were going squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak...."

But mine was going squeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaak, squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaak, squeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaak...."

[Akaneharuka]

[Karlston]

The salesman at the furniture store told me "this sofa will seat 5 people without any problems."

 

I said "where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

[Karlston]

[Akaneharuka]

Oh, Boy. . . Who still remember this ? 😅
 

[aum]

People who say I'm pretentious need to walk a mile in my Louis Vuitton's.

 

[aum]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?”

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

 

[aum]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

 

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

 

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal's gold!"

 

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

 

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

 

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

 

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

 

"Sure do."

 

"Do you have golden floors?"

 

"Most certainly do."

 

"What about golden urinals?"

 

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

 

[Karlston]

Whoever does the IT for McDonalds UK are McLegends...

The software used for their Drive Thru screen is called CHIPS.exe

[aum]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

 

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

 

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

 

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

 

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

 

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

 

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

 

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

[aum]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

 

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

[aum]

The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.

 

The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

 

The kitty would not come down.

 

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

 

That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.

 

He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

 

But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

 

The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

 

The pastor felt terrible.

 

He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten.

 

No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

 

So he prayed, ‘Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business.

 

A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members.

 

He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

 

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?’

 

She replied, ‘You won’t believe this,’ and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

 

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, ‘Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.’

 

She told the pastor, ‘I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.

 

And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes: A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.’

 

Moral of the story: Never underestimate the power of God and His unique sense of humor.

[aum]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

 

“Interesting,” the newsman thought… He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

 

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it…)

 

– She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

[aum]

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

 

“In fact, I do,” said the old man.

“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

 

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”

Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.

 

“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

[aum]

An elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop as he’s doing 80 mph in a 30 mph zone.

The guy winds his window down as the cop approaches him and says, “I’m really sorry officer I know I was speeding but there is a good reason”.

The officer retorts “I’ve heard all the good reasons and I’ll listen but I know I’ll end up arresting you”.

So the guy starts; “Do you see that woman in the passenger seat”?

The officer looks and sees this stone faced woman glaring at him with fire in her eyes and nods to say he can see her.

The guy then says “ Can you also see the woman in the back seat”?

The officer looks to see an older even more stone faced version of the first woman, again with fire in her eyes.

He nods in acknowledgement to the driver again.

The driver then says, “the woman in the passenger seat is my wife and the woman in the back is her mother who came to stay with us for 3 weeks 9 months ago”.

“This morning they had a massive argument and vowed never to speak to each other ever again”.

“So the reason I’m speeding is to get my mother in law back to her house as quickly as possible before they make up”

 

The officer looks at the driver, nods and says, “Shit I didn’t know it was an emergency, I’ll radio ahead to get the road clear and put my siren and flashing lights on, you follow me and we’ll get her home before that happens”.

[aum]

With all the new technology regarding fertility,

An 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

 

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.

“May we see the new baby?” One of them asked.

“Not yet.” Said the mother.

“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Another half-hour passed before another relative asked.

“May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet.” Said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked.

“May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet.” Replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked.

“Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries.” She told them.

“When it cries?” They gasped.

“Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

 

“Because I forgot where I put it.”

[aum]

Husband to Wife: Tomorrow is your birthday. What gift would you like?

Wife: A giraffe!

Husband: Darling, please be reasonable. Where do I get a giraffe from? Ask for something that is possible.

Wife: Okay then give up drinking. That you can do and I’ll accept it as a good gift.

 

So next day...

He Brings the Giraffe for her.

[aum]

There was a group of elderly women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The old women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’

All the old women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

 

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!
5. ???
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!

Last one is ultimate

10. Who is this?

[aum]

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.

He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

 

[aum]

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven.

 

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" they all piped up.

"And what do you have to do to get there?"

 

They said, "Be dead!"

 

[aum]

Letters from parents for school absences:

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.