aum Posted November 6, 2023 Share Posted November 6, 2023 An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter, but the boss doesn’t think he’s fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing. To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five-foot tree with his ax, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten-foot tree. Then a thirty-foot tree. Finally, he takes his ax up to an 80-foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down. The boss is amazed and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says “I practiced in the Sahara forest.” “Don’t you mean the Sahara desert?” The boss asks. “Well yes,” says the old man, “that’s what they call it now. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 6, 2023 Share Posted November 6, 2023 aum, phen0men4, TrojanK and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 7, 2023 Share Posted November 7, 2023 A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again, "Jesus is watching you." He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?" The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus." Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 7, 2023 Share Posted November 7, 2023 My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They'll try anything, from chicken tenders at an Indian restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 7, 2023 Share Posted November 7, 2023 A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me." The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed." Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!" The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 7, 2023 Share Posted November 7, 2023 A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! Karlston, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 7, 2023 Share Posted November 7, 2023 I think I'll be fine. Thanks. ducky88, ultrahub, aum and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 8, 2023 Share Posted November 8, 2023 Resetting the Stonehenge stones back one hour for Daylight Savings lurch234, aum, ultrahub and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 8, 2023 Share Posted November 8, 2023 On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly. "I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win." His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker." "No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up." Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 8, 2023 Share Posted November 8, 2023 A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!" The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later." ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 8, 2023 Share Posted November 8, 2023 A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman. "Anything from $2 to $2,000." "Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer. The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket." "How does it work?" asked the customer. "For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder." TrojanK, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 8, 2023 Share Posted November 8, 2023 Question: Schwartznegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. What is it? Spoiler Answer: A last name. funkyy, ducky88, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 9, 2023 Share Posted November 9, 2023 A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dogs IQ. Heres how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. ducky88, Archimede and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 9, 2023 Share Posted November 9, 2023 Polite wife: ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 9, 2023 Share Posted November 9, 2023 A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 9, 2023 Share Posted November 9, 2023 A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 9, 2023 Share Posted November 9, 2023 An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning when the wife ask her husband, “Are you going to marry right after I die?” What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question. That night, she asked that question again and for the following three days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said, “yes, are you satisfied?“ And she said, are you going to sell the house? He said, "no!" Are you going to sell our bed? Why no! Are you going to let her have my golf clubs? He said, ”No I don’t think so, she is left-handed.” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 9, 2023 Share Posted November 9, 2023 Ticket violation my dad got funkyy, TrojanK, ultrahub and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 10, 2023 Share Posted November 10, 2023 TrojanK, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted November 11, 2023 Share Posted November 11, 2023 A roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees. Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 11, 2023 Share Posted November 11, 2023 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted November 12, 2023 Share Posted November 12, 2023 We've come full circle. ducky88, lurch234, funkyy and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted November 13, 2023 Share Posted November 13, 2023 The television game show was being recorded. The contestant was in the hot seat for the last big question. The host turned to him, and read the question slowly and carefully. But the contestant didn't know the answer! Fortunately, he had a backup plan (there was no way he was missing out on these million bucks!). He let out a piercing whistle, and from the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armour appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host. The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. He leapt into the air, and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell sprawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process. The game show host was just beginning to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back at the contestant, and said "Is that your final lancer?" Karlston and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 13, 2023 Share Posted November 13, 2023 I flew Korean Air and asked for a rum and coke. Something must have got lost in translation. ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 14, 2023 Share Posted November 14, 2023 I’ve found it! The worst thing on earth. ducky88, funkyy and phen0men4 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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