[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[ultrahub]

A few thoughts for today ...

 

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers now ask humans to prove they aren't a robot.

 

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.  Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

 

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

 

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.
 

 

[aum]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

 

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

 

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[aum]

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

 

[aum]

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under-cooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

 

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

 

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!"

[aum]

A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth."

 

The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

[aum]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"   

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

Australian for ‘just down the road’

[ducky88]

Father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field.”

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream an ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong.. ? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

But when the 2 chipmunks crawled up my pants legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us...? I panicked"

[Karlston]

As you all know

[aum]

 

My wife left me because I’m insecure.

No wait, she’s back, she just went to get coffee.

[aum]

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

 

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

[aum]

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, Chicken!"

[aum]

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

 

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

 

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

 

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

 

"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."

[aum]

Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

 

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

John, the passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.

 

A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.

 

Frank said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.” All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

John threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

 

We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying’ to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “What now?”

 

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

[aum]

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

 

[ultrahub]

Don't believe it.

 

[aum]

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."

 

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

 

[aum]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.

 

" Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

 

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

 

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[aum]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'

The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

[aum]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[aum]

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's Mrs. Dull's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

 

[aum]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

 

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

 

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

 

[aum]

A guy stops at a little cake shop run by an elderly couple.

He asks for a cup of coffee.

The old man who was working the counter turns to the kitchen and says, “Sweetie! A cup of coffee to this gentleman please!”

The man found that rather cute and, deciding he could use some cake with his coffee decided to order a slice.

The elderly man turned to the kitchen again and proclaimed, “Love of my life! A slice of cake too please.”

The man found that adorable and, deciding to see that just one more time asked for some cookies.

And just like that, “Oh reason of my existence! Some cookies too!”

After the man was done and was paying the bill he turned to the senior and said, “It’s rather adorable how you two call each other cute nicknames like that. You don’t see that much nowadays.”

 

The old man looked at the boy, then towards the kitchen and whispered to the man, “Naah. I just forgot the Her name 20 years ago.”