[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

 

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

 

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

 

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

 

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

[aum]

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

 

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

 

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $259.99."

 

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $259.99 and all the others are only $19.95?"

 

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Bob's house, Bob's car, Bob's boat, Bob's furniture."

[aum]

A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise.

“Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?” the lady asks.

Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.

“Oh does he now? Well, that’s not enough, why else?” the lady asks.

“He also says I clean better than you ever did” the maid says.

“I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that’s still not enough to get a rise from me,” the lady replies.

 

“OK, I better in bed than you too.”

“What!” screamed the lady.

“How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?”

 

“No,” says the maid, “It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate.”

[Karlston]

[aum]

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.

 

The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

[aum]

I remember the time when I was reminiscing my love life while cutting up an onion.

The onion cried.

 

[aum]

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.

His wife suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I joined a parachute club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

 

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[Karlston]

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

 

During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

 

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

 

The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

 

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

 

He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

 

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom! He was 90!!

[aum]

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.
He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked, “Ma’am may I use your seat?”
The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” 
The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks back up to the lady and says, “Please, ma’am, may I have your seat. I am very tired.” 
The woman says, “How inconsiderate of you to ask me again.”

The man then calmly walks up and throws the dog out of the train window and sits down.

 

The woman starts screaming and demanding that the man be punished.

Her husband walks up and says, “You Americans are doing everything wrong; you drive on the wrong side of the road; you use the wrong utensils to eat; and now you’ve thrown the wrong bit** out of the window.”

 

[aum]

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Bob?

Bob: I won it in a race.

Bill: How many people participated in it?

Bob: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!

 

[aum]

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

 

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

 

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

 

"Mr. Klopman."

 

[aum]

A man lost both ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: " Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

 

[aum]

Three nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would admit them if they each answered one question.

 

He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?"

"Adam," the nun confidently replied.

The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.

 

St. Peter turned to the second nun, "Who was the first woman?"

"Eve," she replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.

 

Then St. Peter turned to the last nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun paused for a moment, "Gee, that's a hard one!"

The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.

[aum]

Why the great pyramids are in Egypt?

Because they were too heavy to carry of to the British museum.

 

[Karlston]

[ultrahub]

A few 'ageing' smiles:

 

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

Rabbits are always jumping but only live for around two years, and turtles doesn’t exercise at all, live over 200 years.

 

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise.  But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

 

I have many hidden talents.  I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

 

Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making.  It’s true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

 

I threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

 

 

 

 

[aum]

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

 

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

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[ducky88]

If we shouldn't eat at night then why is there a light in the fridge?