aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?" Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end. Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say? Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!” ultrahub, TrojanK and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.” TrojanK and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 I just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner,” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings. ducky88 and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 Optimist (Noun): A man who leaves the engine running when his wife says she’s just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle of milk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out. "Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said. She looked mystified. "How do you figure?" "I married better," I replied. TrojanK and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 "The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works." "That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey flopped pretty much everywhere. In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was. Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was. In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. People in South America didn't know what "please" meant. People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant. Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. funkyy and ultrahub 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes." Karlston, TrojanK and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 I ate five alarm chili last night... ...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 25, 2023 Share Posted October 25, 2023 A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that. About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway." TrojanK, ducky88, leapinlizards and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 25, 2023 Share Posted October 25, 2023 A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident. "Where did it sting you?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. He shook his head and said: "That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!" ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together. The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud, “Ugh, your children, always late.” Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain, “Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?” A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats and the evening continues. While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says, “Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.” A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself, “Ugh, this clock -- always late.” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 Meerkats on guard TrojanK, ducky88, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. phen0men4, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and out number them?" TrojanK, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 At least they're being honest about it, I guess? ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 27, 2023 Share Posted October 27, 2023 When asked of my past, every detail I'll know. But what was I doing 10 minutes ago? Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 27, 2023 Share Posted October 27, 2023 The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 27, 2023 Share Posted October 27, 2023 (edited) Edited October 28, 2023 by aum Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 28, 2023 Share Posted October 28, 2023 First, I got angina pectoralis and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phimosis. Then they give me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophy cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastroenteritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don' know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had. vitorio, aum and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 28, 2023 Share Posted October 28, 2023 60 may be the new 40. But the $100 dollar bill is the new $20 dollar bill. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 28, 2023 Share Posted October 28, 2023 Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo". This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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