[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

 

 

[aum]

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

[aum]

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

[aum]

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

[aum]

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

[aum]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

 

"Why?"

 

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

[aum]

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

[aum]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

 

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

 

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

On 10/14/2023 at 5:59 PM, Matt said:

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 

 

Round 2: 

[lurch234]

What a slasher movie looks like with all the fillers edited out:

 

 

 

[Arachnoid]

[Karlston]

[aum]

[aum]

When a strip club isn't open there should be a sign that reads: "Sorry, We're Clothed!"

 

[Arachnoid]

[Karlston]

Greatest Halloween decorations ever...

[aum]

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

 

[aum]

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, they’re not laughing now.

 

[aum]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

[aum]

Two husbands, Bill and Dale were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were argument sometimes.

 

Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

 

"Wow!" said Dale, "How do you manage that?"

 

"It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"

[Arachnoid]

[ducky88]

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

[aum]

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar.  It’s a normal day in Australia

 

[aum]

A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.

 

An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

 

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

 

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

 

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.