aum Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 Medical Terminology for the Layman ANTIBODY: against everyone ARTERY: the study of fine paintings BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails BENIGN: what you be after you be eight BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing CAT SCAN: searching for one's lost kitty CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her COMA: a punctuation mark CONGENITAL: friendly CORTIZONE: the local courthouse D & 😄 where Washington is DILATE: to live longer ENEMA: not a friend ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary ER: the things on your head that you hear with FESTER: quicker FIBRILLATE: to tell lies G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers GENES: blue denim slacks GENITAL: Not Jewish HANGNAIL: a coat hook HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU: peek-a-boo INPATIENT: tired of waiting LABOR PAIN: hurt at work MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane MORBID: a higher offer NITRATE: lower than day rate NODE: was aware of ORGANIC: church musician OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert POST-OPERATIVE: a letter carrier PROTEIN: in favor of young people RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula RHEUMATIC: amorous SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend's boat SECRETION: hiding anything SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood SURGERY: protection of electronics during a storm STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire TABLET: a small table TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport TIBIA: country in North Africa TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak TUMOR: an extra pair URINE: opposite of "you're out" VARICOSE: very close VEIN: conceited TrojanK, ducky88, lurch234 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 Can you guess which one of us hates Halloween? funkyy, TrojanK, ducky88 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 Computer wars have changed since then. aum, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arachnoid Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 aum, Karlston, ultrahub and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 aum, TrojanK and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 5, 2023 Share Posted October 5, 2023 Two atoms are walking down a street. First atom says “wait I think I just lost an electron” Second atom says “you sure?” First atom says “yeah I'm positive” aum, ultrahub and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 5, 2023 Share Posted October 5, 2023 I've just invented the first thought controlled air freshener... It makes scents when you think about it. lurch234, aum, leapinlizards and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 6, 2023 Share Posted October 6, 2023 ultrahub, aum and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 The Parable of the Classroom Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and, gathering them around him, he taught them, saying: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, blessed are they that mourn, blessed are the merciful, blessed are they that thirst for justice, blessed are you when persecuted, blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven. Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?" And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?" And Philip said, "I don't have any paper." And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?" And James said, "Will we have a test on this?" And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this." And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?" And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?" Then one of the Pharisees, who was present, asked to see Jesus' lesson plan. He inquired of Jesus, "Where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?" And Jesus wept. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school? A: They get their masters. danielson, ducky88, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.” The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!” she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That’s not my dog!” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?' The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?' The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?' The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?' ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. TrojanK and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat – all die and go to heaven. As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven. God turns to the golden retriever and says, “The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?” The golden retriever says, “I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owner’s family for many years.” God smiles. “Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand.” He then turns to the parakeet. “What do you believe in?” “I believe in color, flamboyance, and music,” the parakeet says. “For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner’s house with a song.” “Your beauty is truly magnificent,” God says. “And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left.” God finally turns to the house cat. “And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?” The cat lazily surveys God’s throne and says, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.” ducky88 and ultrahub 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. “Fishing,” replied the old man. "Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman. So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, “And how many have you caught?” You’re the eighth. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice. “Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train” “Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting” “No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting” “No Sweetheart, You’re the only one in My life” “Yes, I’m sure dear”. Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.” That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 aum, TrojanK, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagicSahar Posted October 8, 2023 Share Posted October 8, 2023 (edited) [video] [/video] Edited October 8, 2023 by MagicSahar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 8, 2023 Share Posted October 8, 2023 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' aum, ducky88, lurch234 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted October 9, 2023 Share Posted October 9, 2023 Assault ducky88, funkyy, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 9, 2023 Share Posted October 9, 2023 A salesman tried to sell me a casket. That's the last thing I need. aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 9, 2023 Share Posted October 9, 2023 A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy sits there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy: "are you feeling better now?" leapinlizards, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 9, 2023 Share Posted October 9, 2023 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. leapinlizards and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 9, 2023 Share Posted October 9, 2023 An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!” leapinlizards, TrojanK and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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