ultrahub Posted September 29, 2023 Share Posted September 29, 2023 Voicemail Greetings "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message." "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money." "Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not available right now but my voicemail is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello! This is John. If you leave a message, I will call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I will call sooner!" "Hello. I do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and my carpets are clean. I give to charity through my office and do not need my picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and I will get back to you." "Hi. I am probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and I may use it against you." Karlston, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 29, 2023 Share Posted September 29, 2023 Considering how low their pain threshold seems to be, it's strange to see so many soccer players with tattoos. ducky88, lurch234, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t happy aum, Karlston and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 I want to be a weather reporter someday 😂 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?" funkyy, kaloo1995 and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 Q: Why can’t you take electricity to social outings? A: Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 Q: Why does a burger have less energy than a steak? A: Because it’s in its ground state. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other? A: Gotta split! ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 funkyy, ducky88, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 Karlston, ducky88 and ultrahub 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed. ultrahub and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends, because they can’t remember them! danielson and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor." funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?" "She's in the boot if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!" ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 Modern google ducky88, aum and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 On a totally different topic ... TrojanK, aum, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultrahub Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 ... and on a similar note, TrojanK, funkyy, Karlston and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 Received this email today. The amount of painstakingly obvious signs it’s a scam is comical. ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine? A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth! ultrahub, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink? A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.” Husband: Is that you or the wine talking? Wife: It’s me talking to the wine. ducky88, Karlston, TrojanK and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine? A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes? ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 Q: Why did God supposedly make men before He made women? A: Because everyone needs a rough draft. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman. The prosecutor started by asking her, “Do you know who I am?” The old woman replied, “Yes, you’re John Kim, and I must say I’m very disappointed in you. You’re greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you’ve been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are.” The prosecutor was stunned, but tried to carry on with the proceedings. He pointed at the defense lawyer and said, “Do you know who he is?” “Yes, he is Kenneth Skye. And I must say is that I’m very disappointed in him too. He is constantly drunk, gambles all the time, and is one of the worst lawyers around! Of course I know who he is.” The Judge immediately called the prosecution and defense to approach the bench. Once they were close enough, the Judge scowled at the pair and said, “Don’t you *dare* ask her if she knows me.” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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