[JOTD] Joke of the day

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[Karlston]

[aum]

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

 

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here for 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ giving him any of mine.”

 

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill I'm, but I'm keeping all my cows.”

 

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.”

 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!

 

At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, Ahem. You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

 

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

 

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

 

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”

[lurch234]

Guide to Dashboard Lights

 

[Karlston]

Doctor made me take this X-Ray to check my middle finger

[ducky88]

One for the coders:

 

>99 LITTLE BUGS IN MY CODE;
99 LITTLE BUGS.
>TAKE ONE DOWN;
PATCH IT AROUND...
127 LITTLE BUGS IN MY CODE.
>_

[Arachnoid]

Did you hear about the chiropractor who got in trouble with the IRS? 

 

 

 

It was for back taxes.

[aum]

Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"

 

[aum]

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

 

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

 

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

 

[aum]

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.

 

The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”

The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”

The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.

 

Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”

“Well honey, I guess I would.”

The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.

 

She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”

The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”

The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.

 

Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”

 

“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”

[Karlston]

[ultrahub]

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

 

PLATO: For the greater good.

 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

 

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

 

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN/2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.

 

JOE BIDEN: I forget.

 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 

HYPOCRITES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

 

KENNY BIDDLE: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

 

 

DONALD TRUMP: The chicken did not cross the road. I crossed the road. I'm probably the best road crosser there ever was. 

 

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

 

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

 

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

 

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

 

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally elected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

 

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

 

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

 

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: The chicken crossed the road to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

 

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

 

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

 

DR. SUESS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
 Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

 

THE POPE: That is only for God to know.

 

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

ACCENTURE CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Accenture, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Accenture helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Accenture convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Accenture consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two- day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-media processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Accenture helped the chicken change to become more successful.

 COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[Karlston]

Note from my local Veterinarian

[Karlston]

A Möbius strip walks into a bar, sobbing.

 

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong, buddy?”

 

The Möbius strip replies, “Where do I even begin?”

[ducky88]

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Having a glass of wine.

Friend: That’s a bottle.

Me: The bottle is made of glass ….

[ultrahub]

An aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.         
     

♦   I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦   I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

♦   When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦   Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦   America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

♦   My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
♦   I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦   Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦   You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦   If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
 
      Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?

[Karlston]

A guy's PS4 was ruined, after his 6-yo son wanted to "play a nice Dog-Game" he found from the garage

[aum]

Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

 

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

 

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

 

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

 

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

 

[ultrahub]

 

https://imgur.com/a/8k2RMte

 

Edited September 20, 2023 by Karlston
Added image link