[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A police officer in Grafton stops at a local farm.

 

He talks with an old farmer, and tells him, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”.

The farmer says, ” Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he is pointing out the location.

The police officer verbally explodes saying, ”Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me”.

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, and proudly displays it to the farmer.

 

” See the badge old man? this badge means I am allowed to go on any land. have I made myself clear”.

The farmer apologizes, nods and goes about his chores.

A short time later the old farmer hears loud screaming, looks up and sees the police officer running in front of the farmers Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the officer makes the bull gains two, only seconds before the bull reaches him.

 

The rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells, “Your badge, Show him your badge!”

 

[Karlston]

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill The doctor checks him over and says,

 

'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

 

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

 

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

 

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

 

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

 

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

 

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

 

Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

 

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

 

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

 

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

 

You must be the luckiest person on Earth!'

 

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

 

‘Well, I’ll be...,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well".....

[aum]

"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"

"No, I didn't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."

 

[aum]

Ben went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

 

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, “What are we going to do?”

 

“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

[Karlston]

My girlfriend got a Star Wars tattoo on her cheek.

 

You should have seen the Luke on her face.

[aum]

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

 

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

 

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

 

I asked, "What's the difference?"

 

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

[aum]

A wealthy man walked into a bar in Miami.

 

As soon as he entered, he noticed an old woman, sitting in one corner.

 

He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, “Bartender! I’m buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that woman over there!”

The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the old woman.

Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted,

“Thank you!”

 

This infuriated the wealthy guy.

 

So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted, “Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!”

The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the old woman.

When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Old woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!”

 

That made him furious.

 

So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender, “What is wrong with that woman? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts "Thank you.’ Is she mad”

 

The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, “No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this Restaurant .”

[Karlston]

A chicken walked into a library, trotted up to the counter and said, “Book, book, book, book.”

 

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

 

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Book, book, book, book.”

 

Once again the librarian handed the chicken a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.

 

Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again! It marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, then said, “Book, book, book, book.”

 

The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time decided to follow the bird. She watched the chicken hurry down the street and stop at a pond, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.

 

The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said, “Read it, read it, read it, read it.”

[ducky88]

A priest a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?"
The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."

[aum]

Science teacher: "Does anyone here know what sodium hypobromite is?"

Student: "NaBrO!"

 

[aum]

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.

 

After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.

He looked up at his dad and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?”

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”

Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

 

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time, “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”

 

“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

[Karlston]

As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

 

The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

[aum]

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

 

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

 

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

 

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Edited September 11, 2023 by aum

[aum]

[Karlston]

Glass coffins... will they become popular?

 

Remains to be seen.

[aum]

My plan for tomorrow is to go with the wife to get us both some new glasses.

After that, we'll see!

 

[aum]

I helped my neighbor this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

 

[aum]

Husband: "Now that we are married, perhaps I might venture to point out a few of your little defects."

Wife: "Don't bother, dear. I'm quite aware of them. It was those little defects that prevented me from getting a much better man than you."

 

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