[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.

 

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

 

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy. They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

 

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

 

The next year's Lenten season rolled around.

 

The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

 

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

 

[Karlston]

I think my WiFi name is pretty clever lol. Anyone agree?

What are your funny WiFi names??

[lurch234]

A man goes on a business trip to Asia and brings back a nasty to his privates.
He goes to a doctor. The doctor horrified, not knowing what it was said to amputate right away.
The man horrified himself, goes to every doctor in town getting the same answer: "Don't know. Amputate!"
In desperation he goes to a asian doctor. After showing his distressed manhood, the doctor excitedly cries out "Oh! You have Mongolian Slip-Slap!"
The man visibly relieved says "Every doctor I went to didn't know what it was and wanted to amputate!"
The asian doctor starts to laugh "Ha Ha! You Western doctors are to quick to operate! Never waiting to let nature fix itself."
"You don't have to worry it will fall off on it's own..."

[ducky88]

In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill

Those were the darkest days of my life

[aum]

Boss: Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock, knock.

Employee: Who's there?

Boss: Not you anymore.

 

[aum]

Did you hear about that cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens!

 

[aum]

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she still calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says: handsome over.

 

[aum]

The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. – A cat shows up.

 

St Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

 

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

 

St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

 

Next a group of mice appeared.

 

St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

 

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

 

St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

 

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.

 

“Well, Cat, "Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

 

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say … that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

[Karlston]

Amazon finally getting somewhere with AI

[aum]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

 

[Karlston]

A Roman centurion goes to the movies. He was not impressed.

 

"That was disgusting. And there certainly were not 30 movies."

[aum]

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you have broken ribs.

 

[aum]

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

 

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

 

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

 

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

 

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

 

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

 

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

 

"I can't do that, officer."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I'm drunk."

 

Edited September 4, 2023 by aum

[Karlston]

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realised I was out of detergent, so I went to write a shopping list and realised how unorganised the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink.

 

When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realised a juice jug had leaked so I needed to clean it up but when I went to grab a rag, I saw that the pantry closet was a nightmare so I started organising it.

 

And that's how I ended up on the floor looking at my old photo albums from 1990s and not doing laundry.

[aum]

Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?

It was a pyramid scheme.

 

[Karlston]

[Arachnoid]

16 hours ago, Karlston said:

Have you ever met Bill Stickers, hes extremely famous?

[aum]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,Human Resources

 

[Karlston]

5 hours ago, Arachnoid said:

Have you ever met Bill Stickers, hes extremely famous?

 

Haven't met him, only his cousin...

 

Spoiler

[Karlston]

[funkyy]

Way to go Lottery winner!!!!

[Akaneharuka]

[aum]

Arriving late for a political conference, the college student asks another student standing by the door, "How long has the candidate been talking now?"

"Half an hour."

"And what is he talking about?"

"That I wouldn't know, he hasn't said."

 

[Karlston]

 

(I can relate to this, -110 tabs open ATM)

[aum]

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

 

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."