[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A Dog Walks Into A Butcher Shop.

The butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops and places the bag in the dog’s mouth.

He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck and sees him out.

 

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in.

As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner.

 

“This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

[Karlston]

Did you know that even after all these years, the swimming pool on the Titanic is still filled with water?

[aum]

Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself.

If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.

[aum]

My wife asked me what my favorite time to have sex was?

Apparently "when you're at work" was the wrong answer.

 

[aum]

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

 

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

 

"Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.

 

"Certainly," he replied.

 

"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.

 

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

 

[aum]

Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.

 

The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”

 

The second Lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”

 

“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesb!@n. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”

 

The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and

I have some phone calls to make!

[Karlston]

A police officer came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs''.

 

I said "I'm on drugs??? You're the one talking to dogs."

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A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"Isn’t it terrible the way Biden stole the election?"

[aum]

She asked him "Do you know Newton?"
He said no.

She said, "if you had been paying attention to your lessons, you would have known him."

 

The son asked her " do you know Rachel?"
She said no.

He said, "if you had been paying attention to your husband, you would have known her."

[aum]

In a hotel an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

 

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

 

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

 

But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - Aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

 

[aum]

Why are quantum physicists such bad lovers?

When they find the position, they can’t find the momentum. And if they do find the momentum, then they can’t find the position.

 

[aum]

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges.

 

He traveled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word.

 

So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform. After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none).

 

However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took five (5) minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.

 

Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

 

[ducky88]

I tried changing my password to Beefstew ... but Google said it wasn't stroganoff.

[aum]

I remember the time when I was reminiscing my love life while cutting up an onion.

The onion cried.

 

[aum]

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.

“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.

 

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”

 

[aum]

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

 

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

 

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

 

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

 

[Karlston]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.

 

Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

 

The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.

 

The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

 

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

 

The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

 

"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."

 

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

 

Spoiler

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."

[aum]

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

 

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

 

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

 

[aum]

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

 

"Yea! What is that?"

"Why that's a thermos!"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"I'll take it"

 

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"

"It's a thermos"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"So whatcha got in it?"

 

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

 

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