[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

I think my desk leg has to file a trademark dispute with Twitter

[ducky88]

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right, the steaks were pretty high.

[aum]

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

 

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

 

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

 

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.

 

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

 

"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

 

"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

 

Edited August 1, 2023 by aum

[Karlston]

you'll never win

[aum]

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

 

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

[aum]

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

 

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 euros

 

In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 euros

 

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 euros

 

Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 euros

 

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said, “Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.”

 

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, “Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.”

[aum]

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

 

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

 

When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”

 

There was a long pause.

 

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, “Put down yes!”

 

[funkyy]

aum...that was how I got married too.

[Karlston]

The Homeowners Association finally came up

with a solution to speeding in the neighborhood.

[Karlston]

Bought the greatest shower curtain of all time. I'm certain my wife will approve when she finds out

[ducky88]

My wife wanted a cat.

I didn't want a cat.

So, we compromised and got three cats.

[lurch234]

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

OK, have all three spaces, I'm not going to argue.

[Karlston]

I went into a pet shop and asked for a dozen bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

 

I said "Thank you but I noticed that you have given me one too many.”

 

He just smiled and said... “Oh that last one is a freebie.”

[Karlston]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

 

"Aye, matey!"

[aum]

Janice, my sister, had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen.

One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well.

"Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."

 

[aum]

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.

 

The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that.

 

So the wife went on the ride by herself.

 

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.

 

”Are you hurt?” he asked.

 

”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied.

 

“Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”

 

[aum]

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter, but the boss doesn’t think he’s fit enough.

 

He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five-foot tree with his ax, and it falls over.

The boss is impressed.

The old man then repeats this with a ten-foot tree.

Then a thirty-foot tree. Finally, he takes his ax up to an 80-foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down.

 

The boss is amazed and asks the man how he learned to do that.

The man says “I practiced in the Sahara forest.”

“Don’t you mean the Sahara desert?” The boss asks.

 

“Well yes,” says the old man, “that’s what they call it now.”

 

[aum]

An Elderly Couple A Priest And A Doctor Walk Into A Bar.

 

“In the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. This is God’s word so it is true.”

 

The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, "You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”

 

The priest and doctor continued to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.

 

“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house!”

 

[aum]

A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.

He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.

The eggs also fell down and broke.

A crowd gathered around the boy.

 

As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.

“Couldn’t you be more careful?”

“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”

 

An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said, “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop . Ok I will help him, as much as I can”…… saying this handed over Rs 500/- to the boy.

And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.

 

The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.

The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.

 

One of the onlookers asked the boy,  “Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner”

 

The boy smiled and replied, “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.

 

[aum]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

 

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

 

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

 

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

 

[Karlston]