[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

[aum]

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

 

[aum]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 

"Denise," the doctor says. 

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

 

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" 

The doctor replies, DeNephew. 

[Karlston]

This deli has some interesting recent “reviews”

[aum]

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

 

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

 

[aum]

Jim, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Jim frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond.”

 

Holding the bucket up Jim said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast.

[aum]

Already fired!

 

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Already fired!

 

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Already fired!

 

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Already fired!

 

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Already fired!

 

[ducky88]

Two patients bumped into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.
“Sorry,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”

[Karlston]

I was disappointed with the book "101 mating positions".

 

Apparently it's a book about chess.

[aum]

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before.

 

So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

 

"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."

 

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

[aum]

Photographer to young man: "It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."

 

Father: "It would be much more realistic if he had his hand in my pocket."

 

[aum]

A lady was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where her husband was stationed in the military.

As she checked in at the airport, the security agent asked some standard security questions.

 

“Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.

She told him her mother-in-law had given her a package to take to her son.

 

The agent looked at her very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”

[aum]

Two elderly women, Lucie  & Marie, were driving.

Neither could see over the dashboard.

 

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

Marie in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

 

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.

This time Marie was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.

 

She turned to Lucie and said: “Lucie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

 

Lucie turned to her and said: “Oh, am I driving?”

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

Sheep 1: I saw a wolf near the farm last night

 

Sheep 2: Where?

 

Sheep 1: No, a normal one.

[aum]

[aum]

I told my girlfriend, "The last thing I want to do is break up with you.

 

I have about five things on my list before I get there."

 

[aum]

My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.

 

 

[aum]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

 

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

 

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

 

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,so they changed positions.

 

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

 

They then decided they both would walk.

 

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

 

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

 

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

 

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

 

The moral of the story?: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your *** goodbye.