lurch234 Posted July 20, 2023 Share Posted July 20, 2023 Was told this witty joke today at work. No offense intended to any one What were the names of the first Irish gay couple? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted July 20, 2023 Share Posted July 20, 2023 \\ R lurch234 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 20, 2023 Share Posted July 20, 2023 A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog. She's very impressed with what she sees and says: "What a clever dog!" To which the man responds: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading three games to one!" ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 20, 2023 Share Posted July 20, 2023 A couple had been married for 45 years. And They had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, " Many years ago we made a promise to each other: “ “The first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.” TrojanK, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 20, 2023 Share Posted July 20, 2023 I'm pleased with my move towards self sufficiency. Last night I made a mushroom risotto using mushrooms I picked from the local woods earlier in the day. It was delicious. Even better, I then had some green pixies dressed as a Welsh male voice choir singing Highway to Hell to me, and all with a brilliant light show. Wow!!! funkyy, ducky88, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 20, 2023 Share Posted July 20, 2023 Life is like a game of chess. I can't play chess. ducky88, Karlston and flash13 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 21, 2023 Share Posted July 21, 2023 "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child." funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 21, 2023 Share Posted July 21, 2023 At an Irish Catholic wedding ceremony, the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?” The woman replied, “We can’t hear at the back.” ducky88, Karlston, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 21, 2023 Share Posted July 21, 2023 Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist, but very few people know about his sister Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol. flash13, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 22, 2023 Share Posted July 22, 2023 What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch? The dog quits barking once back inside. funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today... I'll let you know. TrojanK, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 A family is driving along the highway, and they are stopped by a highway patrol. - Hello, gentleman, we've been following you for half an hour and you drive like a charm. The Traffic Department rewards you with 300 euros for how well you drive. What will you do with the money? - First thing, get my driver's license. And the woman, who goes to the side, adds: - Mr. Agent, don't listen to my husband, he's drunk. And the mother-in-law, who goes behind her, adds: - I already said that with a stolen car we would not go very far. aum, lurch234 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 A boy was once given the task of babysitting his teacher's pet dog for a day. He was careless and the dog ran out the door when he wasn't looking. He tried searching all over town but he couldn't find the dog anywhere. He then thought of a plan. His teacher was old and losing the sharpness of most of her senses. She probably wouldn't notice the difference if he bought a new dog and pretended nothing had happened. But when his teacher returned home and saw the new dog, she immediately called the boy and scolded him for not only losing her dog but also trying to cover up his mistake. It just goes to show. You can't trick an old teacher with a new dog. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is — it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. ''What is it?" "A puppy!" ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University." The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “John proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. Because he also told me he was an atheist. “Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.” Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 The car begins to lurch and smoke pours from the hood. The penguin stops at a small gas station on the side of the otherwise desolate road. Luckily, a mechanic is available. "Give me a few minutes and I'll let you know what I find out" he tells the stranded penguin. So the penguin heads inside the gas station's market and buys an ice cream. He steps outside to eat it. The hot desert sun begins to melt the ice cream faster than the penguin can consume it. It makes a mess. The mechanic returns to the penguin, looks at him, and says "well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin responds "oh no, that's just ice cream." ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 Has it struck you that all the scientific instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from Earth? aum, sandman117 and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 24, 2023 Share Posted July 24, 2023 I started telling everybody about the benefits of eating dried grapes... It's all about raisin awareness. ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted July 24, 2023 Share Posted July 24, 2023 There Are 10 Types of People In This World: Those Who Understand Binary and Those Who Don't aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 25, 2023 Share Posted July 25, 2023 A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"? The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 25, 2023 Share Posted July 25, 2023 funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 25, 2023 Share Posted July 25, 2023 Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor. "Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am." "Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us." ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 25, 2023 Share Posted July 25, 2023 A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the check out the little horror is throwing items out of the buggy. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice: “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.” “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little boy’s name is Kevin.” ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 25, 2023 Share Posted July 25, 2023 For those who monitor standards, the space between the rungs of ladders has increased because people are getting taller. This is officially known as climb-it change. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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