[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[aum]

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.

 

Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"

 

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

 

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

 

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

[aum]

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.

The doctor pronounces the dog dead.

 

The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat.

The cat sniffs the body and meows.

The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

 

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador.

The lab sniffs the body and barks.

The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”

 

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis.

The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.”

[Karlston]

[aum]

[14 July is Bastille Day!]

 

It's the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.

Today they’re leading a priest, a prostitute, and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.

The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next, the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out:
"Hey, I see what your problem is!"

[aum]

There was this big city, high profile, big-ego attorney who was representing the railroad in a court case filed by an old rancher.

The rancher’s prize bull was missing and the old rancher claimed the noise of the train made him run off.

The bull that is.

The old rancher was suing for what he felt the bull was worth.

 

When they all got to the courthouse the railroad attorney tried to strike up a deal with the old rancher before they went in.

He was pretty slick so the old rancher agreed to settle for half of what he was seeking.

After the release was signed the big time lawyer laughed and told the old rancher,

“Well, I sure put one over on you! I never could’ve won this case! The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through. I didn’t have a single witness to put on the stand! I was bluffing you!”

 

The old rancher yawned and said,

“Well I’ll tell you, Slick. I was worrying about losing the case myself. That old bull came home this morning.”

[Karlston]

[aum]

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It’s $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

 

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

 

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

 

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

[Karlston]

[aum]

A woman rushes into a hardware store and says, “Can I have a mouse trap, please?

 

And will you be quick, I’ve got a bus to catch!”

“Sorry, ma’am,” said the store clerk, “but we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

 

[aum]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too farfrom the stage.

 

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

 

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

 

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

 

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[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Paddy was in new York patiently waiting and watching a traffic cop on a busy street.
The cop would stop traffic then yell "ok, pedestrians" and after would let traffic pass again.
He did this a few times and paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "pedestrians" about the tenth time,

Paddy finally went over to him and said "is it not about time ye let the catholics across?"

 

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[Karlston]