aum Posted July 7, 2023 Share Posted July 7, 2023 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 7, 2023 Share Posted July 7, 2023 funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 7, 2023 Share Posted July 7, 2023 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 7, 2023 Share Posted July 7, 2023 My friend's delivery arrived while she was out, so the courier 'left it under the mat for safekeeping'... ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 8, 2023 Share Posted July 8, 2023 Do you ever wonder... Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed? Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 8, 2023 Share Posted July 8, 2023 If you don't know what to talk about on a first date, try mentioning Global Warming. It's a huge Icebreaker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 8, 2023 Share Posted July 8, 2023 5 out of 6 experts agree that it’s perfectly safe ... ... to play ... Russian Roulette. ducky88 and flash13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 8, 2023 Share Posted July 8, 2023 I sold my vacuum a few days ago ... All it was really doing was there collecting dust. flash13 and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 8, 2023 Share Posted July 8, 2023 My son thinks he is hilarious - told him to stack the dishes in the sink ducky88, flash13 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 9, 2023 Share Posted July 9, 2023 An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now. "As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“ "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!" flash13, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 9, 2023 Share Posted July 9, 2023 I got a new job as a security guard. They told me to watch the office. Spoiler I'm up to season 4 now; I still don't know what this has to do with security. ducky88, TrojanK, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 2 hours ago, Karlston said: I got a new job as a security guard. They told me to watch the office. Hide contents I'm up to season 4 now; I still don't know what this has to do with security. We should add a facepalm Emoji to the likes just for this thread! Karlston and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 A young woman back from a wilderness trek of 4 months goes straight to a bar without having cleaned herself up first. She waves her arm with a nice hairy armpit to the bartender and asks for a beer. A drunk sitting next to her tells the barman that he'll pay the beer for the ballerina. "You know her?" asks the barman. "Nope" says the drunk. "Then how do you know she's a ballerina?" "A lady who can raise her leg that high must be a ballerina..." Karlston, funkyy, Archimede and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 (edited) I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese. "Sorry" she replied. "We only accept cash" Edited July 10, 2023 by aum Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 Always give 100% at work! Monday - 14% Tuesday: - 26% Wednesday - 42% Thursday - 15% Friday - 3% funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 18 hours ago, lurch234 said: A young woman back from a wilderness trek of 4 months goes straight to a bar without having cleaned herself up first. She waves her arm with a nice hairy armpit to the bartender and asks for a beer. A drunk sitting next to her tells the barman that he'll pay the beer for the ballerina. "You know her?" asks the barman. "Nope" says the drunk. "Then how do you know she's a ballerina?" "A lady who can raise her leg that high must be a ballerina..." That made me spray my soft drink lol flash13, Karlston and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. Spoiler I’m still in the hospital waiting to be seen…. funkyy, ducky88, flash13 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 Q: Why didn't Cain please God? A: Because he just wasn't Able. vitorio 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying, Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must: 1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute. 2.)must be good at computers. 3.)must be bilingual After weeks of having no applicants, a dog walked into the office and much to the manager’s perplexity pointed to the sign. The manager said, “ I like your interest but as much as I need someone to take this position, I’m afraid you’re just not qualified enough for the job. You need to be able to type at least eighty words per minute and I don’t see how that’s possible with your chubby paws”. The dog, without a word, hopped onto a stool near the typewriter and miraculously typed just over a hundred words within the minute. The manager was both surprised and confused but he proceeded to say, “ I’m sorry, I still can’t give you the job because you need to be good at computers”. At this, the dog grabbed a keyboard and proceeded to hack into and shut down every security camera in the building. The manager was dumbfounded but managed to say, "I’m sorry, but the final requirement is that you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked at him in the eye for a good minute and confidently said, “Meow!” ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 (edited) My local college just announced the end of a scientific study... Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number. Edited July 12, 2023 by aum ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 It was at this moment that I decided to switch off news notifications on the phone ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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