[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll climb over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

[aum]

After suffering a heart attack and having quadruple bypass surgery, an old man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him.

As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.

“No,” he replied,

“No health insurance.”

“Do you have any money in the bank?” asked the nun.

“No. No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?”

The old man replied, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

At this, the nun became irritated.

“Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!”

 

“OK, then,” said the old man, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

[Karlston]

New word

[aum]

A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.

 

“It was my fault,” each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.

 

Concerned, the Jesuit said, “You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down. ”He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, “Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you’re probably shaken up too. Why don’t you have a drink as well?”

 

“I will,” the Jesuit replied, “but I think I’ll wait until after the police have come.”

[aum]

An old lady has 3 grown-up sons who each bought her a present for her milestone birthday.

 

The first son, who had made it big in life, bought his old mom a beautiful big house.

 

The second son bought his mom a fabulous big car.

 

The third son, knowing his elderly mother was very devout, searched and searched for something appropriate until eventually, he came across an extremely rare parrot that could recite the entire bible and explain all of its prophecies.

However, the bird was in Madagascar and what’s more, it was extremely expensive.

So after much thought, he decided to sell up his house and car, travel and buy the parrot for his dear old mom.

 

Sometime later the old lady is writing to her 3 sons.

To the first son, she writes:

“Thank you so much for the lovely big house, that was so kind. However it’s really too big for me, I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to sell it and buy a bungalow.”

 

To the second son, a similar letter was sent, saying the car was too big and would be exchanged for something smaller.

 

To the third son, she wrote:

“Ah now you knew what was closest to my heart, thank you so much for the chicken it was delicious!

[Karlston]

[aum]

A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call centre.

“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.

“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.

“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”

“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.

“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”

“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”

The call centre operator was adamant.

 

“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”

“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.

 

“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

[aum]

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

 

Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

 

Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"

 

Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?"

 

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

[aum]

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home.

Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen.

 

Then he began to gather her information.

“What’s your age?” he asked.

“Fifty-eight,” answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger.

 

“What does that do?”

“It’s a lie detector,” said Glenn with a straight face.

“Now, what did you say your age was?”

“Sixty-seven,” answered the woman sheepishly.

[Karlston]

[aum]

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Worse: With corrections.

 

 

[aum]

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

 

While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

 

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And, Sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

 

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

[Karlston]

[aum]

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again.

 

[aum]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

 

[flash13]

[aum]

A seven-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars are bad for you.”

The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be 105.”

 

The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?”

 

“No,” says the boy. “But he minded his own business.”

[aum]

Two older gentlemen, Fred and Sam, went to see a movie.

Merely minutes into the movie, Sam heard Fred rustling around.

It appeared that he was reaching under all of the seats.

“What on earth are you doing, Fred?” asked Sam.

Fred indignantly responded, “I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I’m trying to find it!”

 

Annoyed, Sam told him not to worry about it — they could get him another caramel later since that one was ruined by now.

 

“But I’ve got to,” said Fred, exasperated.

 

“My teeth are in it!”

[aum]

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

 

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”

 

The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”

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