aum Posted June 24, 2023 Share Posted June 24, 2023 An elderly gentleman was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as "Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc." The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!” Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 24, 2023 Share Posted June 24, 2023 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted June 25, 2023 Share Posted June 25, 2023 As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office: There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking." Snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training." Scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked.... "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" funkyy, Karlston and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 25, 2023 Share Posted June 25, 2023 One day, a man was dragged to the cinema by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy. Half an hour into the film, the man felt a nudge in his elbow. “What an outrage,” his wife murmured to him. “The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!” the woman said, clearly offended. Her husband was fairly annoyed. He replied: “You woke me up to tell me that?” Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 25, 2023 Share Posted June 25, 2023 funkyy, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 26, 2023 Share Posted June 26, 2023 aum, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 27, 2023 Share Posted June 27, 2023 The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. "Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." ducky88 and flash13 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 27, 2023 Share Posted June 27, 2023 flash13, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 27, 2023 Share Posted June 27, 2023 funkyy, ducky88 and flash13 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.” The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.” Karlston, ducky88 and flash13 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!” flash13, Karlston, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks? Spoiler Research on how they kill sharks is progressing slowly... aum, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 funkyy, lurch234, sandman117 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life. One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move. “I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her. “But in a few years, my father will die and I’ll inherit 10 million dollars.” Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. A month later, she became his stepmother. funkyy, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 funkyy, Archimede and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The Wild old general sends for his trusty native American scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." The trusty scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine men are also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?" "No," he replies, "I can see under the gate." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light." Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything." The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. "Where's my change?" the monk asks. The vendor replies, "Change comes from within." funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.' But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple. First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing. Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.” Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.” The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.” [And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.] Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 2, 2023 Share Posted July 2, 2023 The path and lamps are not on speaking terms funkyy, leapinlizards, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted July 2, 2023 Share Posted July 2, 2023 Why did the baker sell his business? He had no more dough... funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted July 2, 2023 Share Posted July 2, 2023 In Britain a popular high school activity was to dunk ginger nuts in hot water. But it's called bullying nowadays... Mutton and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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